Monday’s “How much can a human put up with” story…
So, in case no one has noticed, I haven’t been riding much this year. That’s probably because every time I got up (especially on Mac) the level of pain I experienced was pretty extreme. The thing is, when you have a BARN you have to SAVE YOURSELF for the work that has to be done, rather than the happy riding moment you enjoyed when you were a boarder. An old farmer once tol dme before I got my barn that there was nothing worse for your riding than actually having your horses at home. I was going to prove him wrong. I failed.
Last week I gave in and I decided to see my family doctor, who actually knows that I neither trust nor like him – luckily he thinks I’m funny. However, I am LUCKY to have found a doc who looks at who I am and what I do in my life.
He made me stand straight and said something like “oh my god…”
I said what??
“Did you fall?”
Last year twice and HARD down the stairs. My right bum cheek has a permanent dent in it from the impact.
Over the past two months I could barely sustain myself on stage or walking to the barn – but I kept going. The pain had been increasing in my hips and had become significantly worse since the fall. But, being a cowgirl mom means I had allot of physical work to do in my life, and I unconsciously developed a very effective technique of being unconscious of my body – until my body got my attention.
I made really incredible concessions now that I think of it…I just assumed I would feel like that for the rest of my life.
OK if you go to the sink, you can only stand for 15 minutes, then you can sit and fold laundry and…”
The doc takes my hand over to a skeleton and points to the pelvic bone.
“This is the place where all of your body rests – your entire weight and balance right here in your sacroiliac”.
“and yours is like this…”
He takes the poor thing, pulls out both hip bones, rests them on top of the joint and moves them around making them grind…
I feel nauseous.
“Hunh? I said dumbly…
“Your pelvis is dislocated”
“Your pelvis is dislocated on both sides. I have no idea how you’re still walking”.
He says it with abit of a victorious tone because he knows very well that I am his most unconvinced client when it comes to modern medicine. I suddenly feel the now familiar shooting pain down my leg, the burning, and think – how the hell did I let myself go this badly?
He indicates for me to go to an “adjustment room” and I lie down on the bed. I have no idea what he is going to do. The last time I went, maybe three years ago, he gave me laser therapy, which was lovely. Nice music, warm lasers and a nap.
I lay down and he comes in, asks me to undo my belt and lay on my back. As I chat with him babbling about how dumb I feel for coming so late he takes my right leg, pulls my knee up to my chest, walks back to the end of the table with it, pulls it abit to the side and says
“Ok now, look in my eyes and take a breath..”
I start nervously babbling questions…
“what are you going to do? Should I sit…”
“Breathe” he says as he braces his leg against the table I’m lying on with his left leg and grabs my lower calf with both arms…
I look at him, take a breath and CRACK…he yanks my leg up out and back into the joint. I feel both hips shatter in pain – all I see is bright white light for a second.
Then relief. wow. what relief.
I sit straight up as though I actually had abs that would normally let me do that (no one does at 47 after three kids)
“See that wasn’t so bad” he says smirking.
I burst out into tears and told him he should run now. He felt terrible – and a little unnerved.
He explained also that lower back pain can also be a highly contributing factor to the disbalance of chemicals associated with clinical depression.
Since this “adjustment” every time I DON’T feel pain, I am shocked. I am simply not used to it.
Which got me to thinking – how much do we all adapt and integrate pain that is physical and emotional into our lives in such a way that we are not even aware when we are shaping our lives around that pain completely oblivious to how much it is limiting our choices?
Usually the universe teaches me the best lessons through pain – but in this case I am learning through extreme relief.
In the past days I have been abnormally gentle with myself more focused on my balance. This “body awareness” makes me feel very centered and calm – and very EXCITED to start riding again!
My purpose in writing this was really to share how much we can ignore ourselves. I thought I had been doing so well in being more “conscious of self”, and yet again the universe teaches me that I will not be arriving at the destination any time soon – there is still so much to learn.