Palliative Care for Newbies…


I am standing in the place where people go to finish their lives  – palliative care they call it.  I am fascinated by the concept of “palliative” – it means



(of a treatment or medicine) Relieving pain or alleviating a problem without dealing with the underlying cause.

This place is not meant for healing – they keep reminding me. People that come here are not meant to leave here.   It’s strange to think of my mother in this way – the one who will not leave.  I find myself continuously adjusting to the reality of our basic impermanence. And though they may try to deny it, there is a great deal of healing happening here.  You can feel it, like a good smell of fresh grass in the air, people are clearing their hearts.  They are focused on what is REALLY important right now – this is a no-bullshit zone. I watch as they mill about the gentle pond – everyone seems to take their turn at the edge, staring down into the activity of small green frogs leaping valiantly from one lotus pad to another.  The flowers in full bloom seem unreal – almost artificial.  Their colours are extraordinary. This place is full of generosity of spirit. I notice that there are very few ego’s present in deep grief.  And I don’t find any fear here either – fear was something that happened at the beginning – and over time it resigns itself to acceptance. I am warmed by a sense of reliance and trust that seems to come from even people I just walk by and have never met. 

Laughter emanating from the kitchen snaps me back into reality and a moment of wonder – humans are really quite amazing.

We are all walking through the stages of grief – together and apart.  It’s a very personal journey – one you can only share a little bit of.  The rest happens inside of you in a place not meant for sharing. And no two people will enter and exit the process in the same way.

There are amazing things to be found inside and out through this experience.  I find the deeper I enter it, the more I feel like I am just watching it and so far the love and compassion and just good humanness I have experienced and seen throughout this process – has not ceased to amaze me.

We are all going there – in some way at some time.  I am greatly reassured by what I am experiencing as I see the happy and content look in my mother’s eyes, the calming of my frantic family who have been caring for her for two years now – the “defrosting” of emotions long held in check because there was simply no room or time for it. I get it – and its all ok. Not easy, very painful – but ok.

It’s my mother that taught me this kind of acceptance and trying to find the good in all the bad things that will inevitably happen to all of us. Everyone WILL get sick, Will get old and they will die.  Being ok with the process of how this occurs I suppose is the best we can ask for in dealing with the experience.



I am like a landslide.

At first, I stand tall; stable and intact. I feel full and free and easy, perched precariously on top of the world, looking down peacefully at the life around me. I am a significant part of the top of the world, and I can stand proudly and feel as if I am in the right place, at the right time. I am the solid footing underneath the lives of those I love, and I honour that role and stand strong, doing the best I can to help them get from here or there . Something about me makes people want to climb higher and higher and higher, when I am strong. Strong and earthy, gilded with multifaceted lights that shimmer and move with the slithering of the sun across the day’s sky. There are those who would like to climb my slopes, slide down my curves, erode away at the side of my self that faces the sun. I hold them up, let them trod on my back. I do my job.

The one piece at a time, they chip away, one demand at a time, one expectation; until I am left unstable and uncertain as to where I may find myself the next day. I beg them off of my cliffs, but for that one moment, they cannot see into the place where I find myself slowly falling to pieces. I feel irrational. Other mountains seem so certain, and yet, there is nothing certain about me.

One by one, pieces of me slowly fall, plummeting to great depths. I suppose part of me is aware that one day soon I will meet them all at the bottom. But for now, I erode, and I disseminate… and I rock on.

I try and gather myself and put back the pieces that have become detached, but I cannot reach them, for they have gone to great depths that is the opposite of my solid self. They have been reduced to dust at the bottom of my landscape, and all I can do is watch helplessly as I become less and less of myself, and more and more of what lay at my feet. Feeling that my back should be able to stay straight and strong and predictable, and yet, even the smallest pressure feels like the greatest weight, and no one seems to understand that what I could carry yesterday is no longer possible. But I do it anyways, because it is simpler than explaining the way a mountain really functions. It is simpler to stop drawing attention to myself. Now I just hate myself; easier than hating the rest. I am weak where I was strong.

I am frustrated and hurtful. Can’t they see that they have less under their feet now? That they must seek to repair the damage? And yet, it is not their damage, and they only walked where they found their feet. Where I put them. It is my damage, and perhaps it is too far gone.

I become furious. I want them all off of me NOW. There are so many! So much noise and talking and scrambling about constantly poking and prodding at my most exposed parts. I want to be alone. I tell them, but again they don’t understand. All this time they have had a place for their feet, and now…where will they go? But I see no purpose, I see no point. I feel disconnected from it all, and I want them off me NOW. I scream at the top of my lungs, shattering the peace around me like a fine chandelier that has become detached from its setting and now plummets to the ground scattering broken glass around its entire periphery. They all jump and shudder, scrambling for cover, seeking escape…from me.

Now I am furious and sad. Now I am frightened. Who am I in this scheme of things? Where am I falling to? How will I find myself to climb back up to my perch? I no longer recognize myself, and I don’t care. Just get them all the hell off me.

I begin to fall to pieces; it’s only the beginning. More and more of me escapes into the darkness and I hear the splash of the larger pieces landing with liquid resonance, sinking further to the bottom. I try to grab hold of anything solid, but it dissolves at my slightest touch. This makes me angry as well. Here my anger ruminates, churning and scheming, flares occasionally shoot up through my solid rock face. Now I am slamming down at an unwieldy pace, unable to even keep up with myself. But mountains don’t feel ANGER, so I pull it back inside of myself, into the depth of the place where it was first created. More of me looks down, away from the feet on my back, towards myself. Soon, all I can see is myself. I try to scream, but I seem to have forgotten how. I don’t even recognize my own plea.

I fall now – all of me even further than I thought capable. When did God move the floor? I look for it, but can find no solid footing. Those I love now hang in the balance, from a cliff bereft of my former solidity. I see them fading as I look up, and soon all I can see are clouds and darkness and their dangling feet disappear in the distance. It is hard to breathe at such depths. I no longer care if I breathe; and yet I do.

Now I am in pieces at the bottom, everyone looks down on me as I lie incapable of being different from what I am. I try to put the pieces back the way they were, but they don’t seem to fit. I drop a final piece, and lay still, no longer caring about what shape I am in. Nor am considering the fact that those people now have nothing to walk on. They can create their own footing, because for today, I am not it.

I watch the days come and go. Sun rises and sunsets all look the same after a while. And the spaces in between the courses of the sun are all bereft of light, like a profound darkness steeped in hypocritical light. I don’t want to be your ground! I want to slide away into everything and be invisible to it all.

I hate the sun. I remember a time when the sun would infuse me with all of her power, and each day I would begin anew, rapturous and elevated by her heat and desire to plunge myself into the miracle of a new day. I ran like this with the sun once. But now, I only feel irritation at the suggestion that I rise again. Can’t they see all of me in pieces around them…where they found me. I cannot be your ground!

Life drones on and I wish for nothing more than nothing.

Then I see a small certain hand reaching into the darkness towards a part of me that had been left aside. It grasps the part and tosses it over the water. I skip and laugh as I glide along the edge of the top, skimming and hopping joyfully, 2,3,4…SIX times! I feel alive, and joyful. I surrender to the pull of it all. I sink to the bottom but am quickly washed on shore. The small hand grasps another part of me, and I am again propelled into joyful unnatural buoyancy. I sink again, but I feel the small hand strong and certain.

I am awash in the power of change, and wait patiently for the next hand to propel me forward and give me new purpose as I roll along becoming as smooth as a pebble in an endless river.

Organisations Doing Good Things ~ SevGen


Lateral Love

We are starting a fevolution @ SevGen. Enterprise-Education-Entrepreneurship. A model for the world!

A ‘revolution’ conjures up feelings of conflict. An ‘evolution’ feels peaceful but is far too slow for the urgency that is needed. What we need is a fast evolution fevolution…


Join the SevGen ‘fevolution’!

Out of the mouth of one of our passionate supporters:

“Attention Everyone who believes in individuality.. If your a free thinker, if you question the system, if your not prepared to stomach the bullshit that the education system hand feeds each growing and new generation then have a read of this, and share it. SevGen is the hope of the future accommodating to each individuals personal style, without squishing them into societies mould”

The Need


Drawing on well researched evidence that the current education system does not cater for a staggering 70% of us (also see video below), our campaign will get you…

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Sun Blasts and Big Changes

solarfilamentMaybe it has come to your attention that there were some very serious solar flares which erupted from the sun on Wednesday. Over the course of the next few days the effects of the fallout will be hitting earth. Scientists at NASA claim that it will not affect humans. I find this ridiculous. They must think we are really stupid.

This explosion is powerful enough that it will actually CHANGE THE SHAPE of the magnetic field of the earth’s atmosphere. And in a side bar the “experts” at NASA are insisting that this MASSIVE Nuclear explosion will “have no effect on humans” – other than the possibility that your gaming or texting may be interrupted. To make things worse, there are many people who are actually going to believe that this is true: That it is possible to have this level of nuclear radiation blasted at the place we live, and not be affected by it.

I think there is a time and place where each individual has to learn to think for themselves and see the obvious that is in our faces. As much as people go through an evolution to independent thinking, so must the planet as a whole. This is surely one of those times when we must be very aware that we know better than to believe that such an event will not have an effect on us as people and the living things on the planet.

Since we are all made up of energy, and since the sun is blasting energy, I would assume that such a thing would affect everything in our physiology. I would be remiss to make any major decisions in the next few days. Nor will I be relying on anyone’s flash emotions.

Today may just be a good day for everyone to take a moment and send out a prayer of intention to the planet and to all of the things that are alive and living on it. And begin today to be guided by your OWN intuition about what is true or not true in our world. Science has fallen behind the reality of what we are experiencing long ago and their decisions and conclusions are often no longer in our best interest or the best interest of the planet.

I’ll get off my soap box now and go find my sunglasses….

On Awakening Your Bliss

421350_10150574121483114_693783113_8805972_1062905027_nI have been very quiet on writing lately for an ironic reason – it seems that the more I learn – the less I have to say. The more I understand – the less I know. Wisdom teaches me that we are all on a path towards a new understanding of ourselves and the world, but that this path can’t be brought to us or taught to us, that it can only be experienced personally. In other words, anything I would say could only be a shadow of what you can come to understand about yourself using your own experience.

Years ago, during a particularly difficult time in my life I had an strange and transcending experience which at the time felt very unique and made me feel a little crazy. I immediately took it upon myself to began to write a book about this experience. The reason was that what had happened to me had completely changed the way I saw and perceived my life. The way I made decisions, the way I used my intuition and the underlying reasons behind everything I did changed. I felt incredibly lonely at times, so I would write a book that would help others who “shifted” in this way to know that they weren’t alone. That they hadn’t lost their minds.

The experience created in me a feeling of intimate connection to everyone and everything – The All – it felt like JOY. It gave me a deep understanding that we are all the same thing. It told me that time itself is a precarious thing and that the very fundamental and very real reason we are all here is to discover our inner “thing”, our talent -our strength. What it is we have been given by the Source that created us that can be of benefit to this symbiotic place in which we reside. Is it some form of creawtive expression? The ability to heal? The desire to fix things that are broken? To create new things from old ones? To Feed people? What is your bliss?

I discovered my own spaces of joy through many desperate fumbling acts and moments of fearless jumping off. Music and animals, nature and children are the things I deeply connect to and that I feel completely ALIVE with. These are what feed me and in turn feed the people I am with. When I play music, or draw or paint or teach a little kid about horses or listen to a teenager – I feel in a space of timelessness. I am not thinking about yesterday’s problem or tomorrow’s fears…I am in a current state of being. Being present for people is the most important thing we can do.

Many of us talk about finding the purpose of our lives, and yet we go on every day either to doing jobs or activities we hate or not finding the gratitude in what we have. We mistakenly believe we are stuck in our circumstances when we all have a deep need to discover who we are and why we are here. The answer is no more complicated than doing what you love and using your bliss to connect to others and create something good in the world. It is that simple. But the way you get there and to really understand this in your heart is different for each person.

My “new eyes” see that the world is in quick deterioration and that the best thing we can do is to become aware that understanding ourselves as individuals deeply from within is paramount for ourselves, one other and the planet. We have to stop focusing on trying to fulfill our personal human desires – and start understanding our very real needs. Our need for fulfillment and joy, for peace and community. Face it, no matter what we think or have been told about other cultures and all of the insanity happening in the world today, at the end of the day every single human being, from the old lady in New York City to the ten year old boy in Africa – wants the exact same thing; they want to be happy, they want to feel secure, they want food, shelter clothing, love and companionship. That’s it. And we know that we HAVE the resources for this to be for each person on the planet. So why aren’t we doing it? We live in illusion. We want “proof”. But what is proof? We have no time to “scientifically analyze” all of these things. The level we need for understanding is BEYOND the level of our minds. The mind is nothing. Just a representation of what our ego wants to believe about the world.
We need to understand this and to just jump in two feet, faith first, and make different choices, on an individual level which will effectively contribute to helping us balance our needs with the needs of the planet. In other words, the kinder and more compassionate and present you are with yourself – the more you will be able to do this with everyone else.

We ARE each other. I love the interpretation of the Hindu religion which says that the physical self is held together by sound waves – specifically the sound “Om” – which is the “sound of the Universe”. There are many old beliefs, even ones that predate the bible, that support theories that science is only today beginning to observe, such as quantum particles existing beyond measures of time, and Einstein’s String Theory which attempts to proves that we exist on different physical planes all at the same time. There are very ancient beliefs in Mayan, Egyptian, Celtic and other ancient cultures that had long ago defined these beliefs. We are at a time and place now that is beyond science, and is calling for us to access places within our selves which are beyond that mundane analysis of science, and which demand that we connect to heart and spirit and source and EACH OTHER, most importantly.

We need a change of attitude! We have seen our powers and capacity for destruction, but really I can’t wait to see what that looks like when we turn our powers for GOOD. It will be an awesome experience to being all the good we have within each person to the ultimate level of expression.

I am one of those people who believes this is possible. I believe that it is possible for the world to rise above itself and find its higher purpose – its greater mind.

This is the last thing I will say 🙂 – There is a stark difference between desire and need. desire is driven by something we think we are lacking – something that is not fundamentally important to who we are as a person, but is instead detracting from ourselves. Needs are exactly the opposite – needs are those things that support you being the highest version of yourself. Being aware of our needs and fulfilling them will ultimately and necessarily lead to finding and using that highest creative self we are given.

I don’t think there is a need for a ANOTHER book on this subject. There are plenty out there I have discovered. Everyone will find what they are looking for differently. And if what I am writing sounds like lunacy to you, then maybe it’s not for you right now 🙂 But, I believe there is a need for dialogue and opening community for this kind of exchange. It certainly can’t hurt anything worse than it already is.



Magic of life ~ Ajna

third_eyeSixth Chakra Thoughts…

Over the course of the past 6 months and through all of the stages in each of the chakras we have studied, I am discovering that there are certain common conclusions we have arrived at.   First, we have concluded that our lives are ever-changing and the more we learn about ourselves the more empowered we become to understand what we do and do not have control over in our lives.  In order to live a peaceful happy life, knowing what is and is not in our control, what we can and cannot help or hinder – is critically important to our peace of mind.  In other words, we are finding that recognizing where our “powerlessness” lays, can give us a real opportunity to use a greater power that resides within each of us. That is; our intuitive power.

  • Intuition is the power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference (*Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online)




KNOW YOUR POWER! When I ask what the most important thing in their lives many women I have spoken to have answered that it is the happiness of their children.   I often reflect on this answer because, I know it is the socially acceptable answer. I was raised in a way that taught that a good mother was self-sacrificing and gave it all up for her children. However in the raising of my own cornucopia of kids – I didn’t quite see it like this.  And I loved them enough to follow my intuition as best as I could.  It became apparent that I couldn’t teach them what I wasn’t doing for myself.  I couldn’t tell them to go and do what made them happy – if I was sitting at home all day unfulfilled crying with depression.  I also discovered that obviously I couldn’t MAKE them happy as I had tried and failed repeatedly and miserably.

I could only show them the way. But how do you show someone the way to go somewhere you have never been?

This meant that I had to get MYSELF happy – make my own path and find the things in my life that brought me bliss.   This was a difficult transition for my family at first because I stopped doing some of the things I was doing which I wasn’t enjoying. They were older now and could handle this.  I decided only to do things for people for the right reasons.  Doing it because I was expected to just wasn’t working for me. I had created that expectation after all. SO, now I would uncreate it. For example,  I stopped cooking dinner unless I wanted to for the right reasons.  I began meditating every day and became centered into my “self”.  And my kids – now older, are gracious and centered simply awesome human beings – who can all cook really well.  They seem to be easily and quite naturally in touch with their own sense of intuition. Centered inside their being, they don’t have the issues my generation had of “finding” themselves. Ask any one of them – they will tell you exactly where they are.

Intuition is that aspect of our selves that can help us make decisions based on something greater than the sum total of our conscious and unconscious thinking.  Intuition is a directive from the Universe.  It is a strong guiding feeling that can lead us to a more serene and peaceful way of living and seeing our lives.



Horses live within a constant sense of their own intuition. Because animals in general live in the moment, existing not in the past r future, they are so finely tuned with their intuition that they do not have the capacity for rational thought.  Rational thought, for a horse, or any other animal, surely mean death. In this retreat will practice some free journaling and writing practices in the field with the herd, introducing awake meditative and silent observation with a focus on BE-ing like a horse…in presence.

lily and jo in arena

For a human, “rational thought” is often the greatest impediment to connecting with the Ajna.  These thought bring us doubt fear remorse guilt and a variety of other un[productive unconscious emotions.  Intuition assists us to become conscious of these feelings. Intuition becomes blocked by things like fear, jealousy, anger, resentment. That is why doing the work that we have done on the previous 5 chakras is so important.  One thing leads to another and with the release of each newly illuminated aspect of yourself, you will find your intuition open in ways you could never have imagined.

Intuition is the magic of life.  It is our co-creative potentiality. Our formal interplay with the Divine.  We were created to have this exchange, and so, Buddhist philosophy would say that each experience in your life which has caused you distress and thus to change and shift, has moved you ever closer to this place of higher connection between you and the source that intended you into being.  It is a truly awesome experience to feel that communion.

At first trying to listen to our intuition can lead to all sorts of interesting outcomes.  It can be hit and miss, because just like every other conscious skill it must be practiced and applied in a wide variety of life experience for you to begin to trust your own self and what you feel and hear within.

Maybe it come sin the form of a random meeting, a phone call, something you read, a song on the radio or just a sudden thought or idea in your head – intuition can speak to you in innumerable ways.  All you have to bring with you is the willingness to listen and the door is open.  You will see that meditation and quiet is very key to connecting with this source within yourself.

I remember when I first became aware of wanting to try to make choices with my intuition –   I rashly quit a good job because I “felt” there was something else calling me.  The phone didn’t ring. Neither did the doorbell. There were no “signs” there was nothing. Just the angry lady at the unemployment office every week. Sadly – or so I thought –  I remained unemployed for about 6 months as I watched a disastrous unforeseen econimic plunge in the job market hit Canada eventually leading me to a lower paying which I soon left actually – for an entirely better life! My intuition told me that something would happen – but what happened was not at all what I expected.  Our expectations are often a source of conflict within us.  In using our intuition we have to learn to ‘Do the footwork and let go of the results”, as my mother is fond of saying.  If you can practice this, then I guarantee you the results will be better than any you could have imagined.

Life is magic.

When things seem to be falling down all around your feet, instead of keeping your head down and staring at your shoes, you may want to try just being present and aware of your body, just take a breath and a moment to not be in your head.  Stop your thinking by focusing on your thoughts.  Just let them pass, and allow yourself to be reminded that YOU are not in charge and YOU will be guided to your next place.  You don’t need to control everything. Actually, you don’t need to control ANYTHING. Do you believe me? Are you relieved?

When times are rough – this is when you should make the greatest effort to make no effort and to just BE.  Sit still – and don’t react, don’t make decisions, don’t have conversations.  Just be.  And have faith that the Source that keeps everything spinning and turning and working in one gigantic amazing synchronous mass – can manage your hydro bill or your marital problems. You don’t need to fix it al today. Ahhh….what a relief! 🙂

Intuition will come to you as you quiet within.  In this retreat we will focus on some pituitary yoga practices which help us to focus on the Ajna chakra.  Our menu will include the colors indigo and red to keep us connected to root and source.

Intuition is the magic of life.  Enjoy your day.