This past week was like that. One horrific thing after another. One step backwards after another. I hate that. The thing is, I need the steps backwards, because without them I would quickly delude myself that I don’t need to work at my emotional and spiritual life, and that i can just coast on what I have learned.
Just like a horse with its convex vision, I need to occasionally step back and take a clearer look at my life and what is in and around it. I need to be honest with myself and look at what is working and what isn’t working for me. The hardest things to consider are the situations that are not working or are causing you undue and unnecessary harm and pressure in life. The second hardest thing to do is to set boundaries, end relationships or make any necessary changes to your current circumstances to allow you different, perhaps more productive and positive choices. But, then again, any change you make to your life is really a crap-shoot. We can only do the footwork, and really can expect no outcome, because everything changes so quickly and so seemingly randomly, you just never know.
During my first divorce, I experienced some life threatening levels of guilt. I remember my mother saying in so many words:
“Take the steps, do the footwork and let go of looking back for one year. Just move forward, with no evaluation. After a year you can sit down and see if the choices were good for you or bad for you. If you don’t like how you feel, then you can change it again, because you always have choices“.
You know, I thought I was a pretty smart gal; I have read some books and gone to some good schools. But until that day the sure knowing that I had CHOICES had never really occurred to me quite like it did then. Before I had felt stuck and governed by the situations that crossed my path. Unconsciously pushed around by life. My life had become one big “red alert”; always waiting for the next shoe to drop, shrouded in impending doom, looking for a crisis to manage. And let me tell you, I became an expert crisis manager. I perform fabulously in the midst of chaos.
EGO grows when we manage chaos. It gives us self-purpose and direction and motivation – chaos takes the focus off of having to look at yourself, and allows you to focus on issues outside of your self. It coats you in the wrong kind of motivation. EGO loves to make us unhappy and depression is its coup-d’etat. EGO’s biggest lie is telling us that we have way more control over things than we do. SOUL is all about “let go let God”, but EGO only berates and cajoles for not controlling the uncontrollable. Like the promoter of a big illusion. Consciousness is its mortal enemy I have concluded. Allowing continued ongoing frustration, feeling less than and being in the midst of a seemingly unmanageable life, will erode anyone’s joie-de-vivre. Joy and serenity are our birthright, so identifying ego’s pull is our responsibility.
When life is quiet and balanced – SOUL can come into the light stretch her arms wide and expand. Chaos stops us from being able to hear soul. It takes up the space where she should be. The ironic thing is that it only takes a moment of knowing where you are and where she is to bring her back into full conscious force. Everyone has this ability. Some use meditation to call it back. Now we are beginning to understand that SOul is available all the time, when chaos isn’t so loud as to obliterate her call.
It’s the quiet times I don’t do well with. EGO works hard in my head when everything is going well, reminding me that i don’t deserve happiness, that I am less than and shouldn’t even bother trying. The times where everything seems ok and quiet and manageable, peaceful happy and balanced seem to only take up less than 5% of my life. Even my dreams are insanely chaotic. I have recurring dreams of always being in natural disasters like tornadoes, hurricanes and earthquakes. and in each on I am saving animals. Tons and tons of animals. It’s exhausting!
So if your “daily habit” is to be managing chaos, and you get up every morning expecting chaos, I guarantee that you will be given what you are asking for.
It’s an entire other level of understanding to be conscious of a potential habit towards chaos, and consciously allow SOUL the uninterrupted quiet she needs to come forward and take back the helm of your thoughts. When you start to feel like you can accept all of the situations and people in your life, then you know SOUL is coming out to play. When you feel like you can handle the next door bell, phone call or surprise visit – you can be sure SOUL is in charge of helping you live in this moment. And the fun part is that, you don’t have anything you need to learn. You have everything inside of you that you need to do what you need for today. Isn’t that great news! You just have to make the decision that it is the Truth.
SOUL just whispered in my ear – sounding remarkably like Bob Marley;
“I said don’t worry, about a ting. Cause every little thing…is gonna be alright”.