Wow…what a weekend. Spent in a bevvy of community activity. First on Thursday we participated with some friends and neighbours in the One Billion Rising choreographed worldwide flash-mob in opposition to violence against one billion women yearly. It was a GREAT event. Had a really hard Debbie Allen dance to learn – wow am I ever a bad bad dancer No one cared thank goodness. EGO was a little shy because of my lack of dance-skill…
“What will people think??”, inquired EGO with a small shudder.
“Who cares? Hush up and have some fun for once !” replied SOUL lightly.
Then Sunday I had the first chakra retreat on meditation here at my farm. That’s an interesting time to have to keep your ego in check, because I had to continuously remind myself that we are ALL students and we are ALL teachers. There are things we learn along the way which we can choose to share, like we do in this one day retreat event. But, my experiences are only really relevant to my learning and growth. If it helps another person, then woohoo, if not, it’s none of my business.
My EGO was in constant check all day. fear that things would not work out as smoothly as they did melted away within a few minutes,a nd suddenly I was sitting with friends and people who are tying to find the same kind of peace I enjoy in my life. I was really happy to share and have such an awesome day.
Then of course comes my favorite day – Monday. here we go again. I have a PLAN! I have a drive and purpose this Monday, so am not so tended towards depression. So why then have I fought tears all day? I have no idea. |everything is great on the outside…maybe it’s the fall after the high of feeling so spiritually connected to the group on Sunday? Maybe too much relaxing and my body is trained to go on auto-stress? I dunno. Not enough chaos maybe, I am trying to create some so I feel more at home in my skin? Or maybe it’s just the chemistry of my brain…
The brain, especially if it suffers from some biochemical disorder, is a really funky thing to get a handle on. The hardest part about depression is when you aren’t sure if what you are feeling is legitimate, or if it is chemically driven. Is it real…or is it some memory from the past or some sub-conscious (memory-x) thought I don’t even have awareness of, driving my moods into the ground?
I have a fabulous therapist who insisted that everything I felt was authentic, and maybe in a way she was right, but if where it is coming from has no bearing in reality, then it isn’t exactly a “feeling” as much as a symptom? I read today that a beautiful young country singer killed herself today. She was only 37 years old and had had many prior suicide attempts and struggle with addiction. My heart hurts every time I hear of someone giving in to their temporary symptoms.
“This too shall pass”, whispers SOUL gently in my heart.
It’s the end of winter, and I have a ton of people who are struggling with their moods and feeling blue in my life. When I see them continue on, persevere and come out the other end – I am enlivened and hopeful!
“But I want to tell you how HARD and HOPELESS your life is!” EGO stomps his feet.
“Not today”, SOUL replies. “Go back to sleep”.
SOUL and I will spend today planning our garden and planting seeds of hope