Well folks, we are approaching the critical third part of our Ego vs Soul Winter 2013 Match of the century. They were really duking it out today. Ego sprung out of nowhere when someone offered me the MOST AMAZING project on the planet, and I have suddenly become mute and unable to write anything or create anything to give to her in a proposal tomorrow.

This is the mostly absurdly perfect job ever.

Let me start at the beginning.

One of my kids has a friend who has started doing barn work for me.  He attends an alternative school for kids who don’t manage well n the traditional system. I think these school are amazing, and one for the few institutions that actually try to create personalized programs for children to build on personal strength and capacity rather than making them fit into a preformulated model of education originally conceived during the industrial revolution and which has barely been updated since the early 1800’s, it seems.

So, his school gets in touch with me and wants to attach the work he is doing with me to his apprenticeship requirement for graduating high school. Basically, if he works well enough and responsibly, then he gets four extra credits to contribute to graduating from high school Wow! What a great chance for everyone!

So the school case worker came to meet me and check out the farm. Of course, the way it is when the universe lines up something very cool for you, it was one synchronicity after another.

We talked about the school and her work.  The alternative programs works with kids who otherwise would not have graduated from high school. In general the kids who go to these schools are nice kids. Maybe with a history of physical or drug abuse, maybe mental illness or some form of physical or mental challenge that doesn’t allow them to complete high school in the regular system. The ones that don’t suffer from some sort of congenital condition, generally are nice kids with nice, sometimes (but not always) troubled families who live in the suburbs. They play soccer when they are little, and grow up being given everything because These are our lost kids. They are the ones with two working parents, maybe a little too much financial stress at home. Mid life crisis hits, and bang, 50% of marriages go belly up because we haven’t taught anyone how to deal with the fact that life is FULL of misery and tragedy , but you DON’T have to let it crush you.

I have to also give credit to these kids, because for many of them, there is a general sense in the adults around them that they are hopeless. They have bad attitudes and this sense of strange entitlement that makes them often irritable and obnoxious to deal with. In other words, it is my experience that these are not teacher’s favourite kids, and in the regular system, they would rather “weed out” the trouble makers, and send them into the alternative system.

So, the potential job I was offered , was to create a program for teaching kids about spiritual and energetic living. WOW!  teaching kids who don’t feel a lot of hope and don’t have the tools  and skills to deal with the inevitable difficult times in life to handle things and see things in a  different way. teaching them to prioritize themselves and not blame others.  To focus on what they do have control over, not what they don’t. Helping them to realize when they are acting in fear and turn that into courage.

I mean, the potential is ENDLESS!!  I can’t imagine all of the important things I would include in such a program.  I have always thought about this…and here it is. Wow.

My focus is always on suicide prevention, because it is a topic that has touched my life in so many ways.  I think the fact that 850,000 people kill themselves each year is one of the most horrible things I have ever learned, and I intend to try to dispel the myths and bad attitudes regarding mental illness in my lifetime in some way.  If we aren’t ashamed of being depressed or having whichever symptom causes us pain, then we are more likely to reach out for help. Many of these deaths are preventable by the simplest idea of creating a situation where a person is more self-aware and feeling inherently purposeful in their life.  people need to have a life outside of themselves.  They need to feel like they are contributing something good and positive to the world.

Simply put; people who feel a purpose and a sense of acceptance don’t kill themselves.  Teaching them how to deal with emotional reactions, and what the difference between depression and a bad day is something that should have been integrated into our learning systems decades ago.  But here it is, and I am so happy to have the chance to maybe become a part of it.

OK – all that optimism…that is SOUL talking. She is just so excited and motivated.  Sending ideas into my consciousness, I feel restless and excited to start working on this right away.

Then I hear a door creak open, and in the hallway I am standing waiting to see which  door I will choose, I hear the sound of footsteps behind me.  It is EGO. I know without even turning around.

I hear a sharp intake of breath and then a sigh

“You know you’re not really capable of  doing this”, he says. “Why bother trying”. I hear a sardonic smirk in his voice.

Yah, that is what worked with me in the past, but not this time buddy.

I remain silent.  I have learned that in times like these, when EGO is on the defensive/protective to just be quiet and listen; I take a breath and remind myself not to take it too personally.

“Fuck off”, I whisper a little too loudly.

Self awareness can bite sometimes.

I know enough now that when a possibility of something so spectacular enters my life, in the past, EGO has won, and I have found a way to destroy it, walk away from it, screw it up or just change directions in mid-stride completely ignoring it.  EGO wants to stay in control and if I am following my life’s necessary path of joy and bliss and using what God gave me to be a part of this life – someone who makes it better or helps people understand more, EGO looses its power over me. It’s always been a power struggle. But if I did this course, wow…I think I would not have one regret possible in my life.  Because my greatest and probably only regret in life  would be that I had not ever pushed any of my human creative potential to the limits to see what could happen.  I had never lived bravely.

cheval%20chamanLast night I pushed some big limits; and EGO suffered. It felt great. Free, relaxed and uncritical of myself. That’s when I really know I have scared EGO away – when I don’t hear anything negative about myself. This positive mind sets me on fire and I love playing music in this state.

Today, I simply had to acknowledge EGO – trying to tell me I wasn’t enough – for such an amazing potential project with the teenagers. Of course I am enough. We are all made to be doing exactly what is in front of us. Even in my greatest moments of doubt, I have learned to never question that where I am is where I am meant to be.  All those questions are not from my certain sense of self, but from the part of my mostly inactive left brain that asks unanswerable questions and creations unimaginably disastrous scenarios for me to watch over and over again.  But just like in a movie theatre, once you realize what is real and what is not real, the lights go on and the movie fades into the background.

I will continue to be brave now.  It’s harder in the winter – but as I told my daughter today, I am going to have a plan now. A desire. A Wish. An ambition. Wow. Even goals.

It will be a thin line for me to walk between wanting a potential outcome, and dwelling on it and becoming attached to it.  It’s more of a process of doing the footwork, having a loose plan, and following th yellow brick road of intuition, coincidence and synchronicity.  That’s what we call taking a physical action to allow a Higher Power to be in charge of a choice or course of action. So many years of raising children, I never really planned for myself. Only for the group. It is really a strange shift of focus.  I feel awfully self-centered at times – but the results are good. I am more happy, excited balanced and forward thinking in my life. I am proactive and I don’t last in depressions as long, although especially this winter, they have been frequent in their visits, I try to pay as little attention to them as possible.

So, Miracles continue to unravel and I am reminded we are always where we are supposed to be – even when it is SO unlikely! I am not a doctor. I’m not even a teacher, but I have found myself teaching high-school many times. I’m pretty sure it’;s part of what the universe intends for me. I can;t seem to get away from it (not that I wanted to).

So, with this news, SOUL was VERY happy!! Ideas started pouring into my head. I almost cried when she suggested it. What an AMAZING opportunity.

Ah, but where is EGO, you may now be asking clearing  painting

Well, what happened was, when EGO felt the first shining rays of SOUL’s joy, he (ego is male for me…sorry guys. No generalization or insult intended. 🙂 pulled out his old sure-fire weapon – self-doubt.


I’m not a teacher. But I am. I mean – doing that kind of job feels so incredibly natural to me. But it’s not what I went to school for.

HUGE WORK TO DO…ugh.peace-quote

I can’t translate the entire thing overnight (that’s a longer story than I will tell, but everything in this province has to be done in both french and english. A proposal to the school board included.

What I found interesting is that my book that I began writing so many years ago, suddenly is coming in useful, when I had long ago put is aside as irrelevant and not good enough (another one of EGO’s little outings in my head). It’s always about worthiness…

So, I’d say just because I took the time to understand what was stopping me…I think EGO had to take a little step back and have a nap.  Awareness is like a flashlight…and ego is a cockroach.

Ego – Ziperonee SOUL – ONE!

Nice job!


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