Over the past three days we have been nursing our slightly senior beautiful little Halflinger mare who fell suddenly with a terrible Colic. As far as I can see and up to this writing, she is on the mend, and clearly to anyone who was a witness to how sick she was, her survival can be called nothing short of a Miracle. Note the capital “M”. Over her days of trying to heal, I saw such an incredible strength and determination in her. It really was inspiring. But it was also terrifying. She kept falling to the ground, threatening to die on me. I would pray and feel helpless and sometimes even hopeless. I had no clue how it would work out and I decided quickly that i did not like the unknown. I fumbled for my faith – if God’s will was always good and there was a great balance that i was unaware of and incapable of understanding obviously, then I had to go with praying not that god heal her, but that he give me and everyone the strength to do whatever it was we were supposed to do for her. That was a bit of a struggle for me. I would like to be the one to tell God how things should work out, but I am continuously reminded that this is not my job.
When things are bad enough the only thing you can do is surrender. Do everything you can, within your control, and let it go. There are just some things you have to surrender to right away. This level of distress in my horse caused me to immediately put my head down and pray. I don’t pray well by the way…I fumble around for a while trying to figure out what exactly is the “right” thought for a desperate moment. In those moments though…you can find the miracles. I think there is this amazing place in you, maybe I would call that place Love (yes…with a capital “L”) that just stands front and center when you know that something is suddenly beyond your “human” (little “h”) capacity to control.
I knew I was well surrounded and could only do what I could do. I also had to give up my compulsive observance of her. I was making her crazy and I soon realized that the more I stayed away and gave her some space where a bunch of people weren’t standing around nervous that she was dying (wow…good energy lol) so we decided to all act as if. We would check her periodically., but if she wanted to lie down (she was exhausted) we let her. She wasn’t agitated or trying to roll, which is very dangerous for a colicking horse. But she was really just exhausted. Then I surrendered again. I checked her before bed and I gave her up to God, cause I can’t do it all. My inner self really knew it was going to be ok. I simply knew that if my instinct was off, it would wake me; I’m a light sleeper and my soul has a big mouth.
So many changes and events happening at once. I am in one of “those times” where there is abundant change and activity and stuff happening. And I am never satisfied. When my life is on the run I want it to be still and when it is still, I’m bored. Sigh.
But time is never wasted. The quiet times, like right now, are times of absorption. Sometimes you have allot to absorb, so take the time to be still and allow every new layer to rest softly on your shoulders.
This too shall pass…