Incredible Story of Love

Do you have a secret love? Do you believe in soul-mates or twin flames? Here’s  a story that made me question all of my skepticism…

I was told this incredible true story from my awesome new Brazilian friend and houseguest and I just have to share it with you.

About 7 years ago, before she married my friend,  she was dating this amazing man named Gutto with whom she was deeply in love. They were the best of friends. Gutto was 33 and she was 26 and although a few years apart in age, Gutto and Kayoko  loved each other very much.  He was patient and gentle with her at a time where she had become very self reproaching and hard on herself. She had been heading towards self destruction until Gutto had “loved her back to herself”, as she puts it. She says he gave her back her ability to love herself, gently moving her to see how much he loved her through his own eyes.

They were together for only for five months when Kayoko received a call that Gutto had been killed instantly in a car crash the nigth before.  Her world crashed and she faced the devastation of trying to resolve her relationship with God and to find once again the desire to live.  having been raised in a spiritual family (her father was a Minister for a non-deoniminational Joh Rei church in Brazil), Kayoko had a great deal of support, but still found herself questioning God’s wisdom.

A few days after the tragedy they held a funeral for Gutto where Kayoko finally got the chance to meet Gutto’s parents.  She sat with his mother and they spoke for long hours after the funeral.  Gutto’s mother began to tell Kayoko the amazing story of how Gutto came to be.

Apparently years before, in the late 1960’s, revolution loomed large over Brazil.  Marshall law was on the brink, and the population were fighting for their basic civil liberties such as the freedom of expression.

The woman told Kayoko that during this time, she had been involved as a student in the protests and one day found herself arrested for political insurrection and thrown in jail.  She was beaten with clubs and thrown into a crowded cell with 11 other women.  They had a hole in the floor to urinate and a small sliver of light shining through a slit cut out in the thick cement walls 10 feet over their heads was the only light available to any of them. Due to the protests, that day at the jail was very busy. The women sat forlornly in the cell; the louder ones were prostitutes who were well accustomed to the “legal” procedures in Rio di Jinero in 1964.

Maya, as Kayoko knew the woman to be called, sat on the floor in the back left corner of the cell and kept to herself. She was terrified. A philosophy student at the University of Rio, Maya never envisioned herself spending any time in jail, although she knew it was a harsh possibility that could take her away from her family and school for an indeterminate period of time.  She took the risk because she believed it was more important to be involved in the changes taking place than in her own personal welfare.  She would question her own motivations many times sitting there on the cold jail cell floor.

Soon she heard whoops and hollers from the women in her cell; at least the ones who were used to the drill. She heard a bunch of new voices; male.  They marched passed her unbeknownst and were place done by one in an equally crowded cell beside her own. She was only 20 years old but right now felt like a small child as the fear that crept over her threatened to unleash her tears.

Police officers came to redictribute the large group they had arrested placing them in individual cells. After all of the transferring of cells and moving around had been completed, within a few hours, Maya found herself isolated in a dark cell on the third floor of the jailhouse.  In Brazil, the jails were not then separated into sections for women and men, especially not for political prisoners, who if found guilty were simply marched to the execution building where they were tortured and executed. In her small cell, Maya began to cry.  She felt like a  child wanting her parents to rescue her, although she knew they wouldn’t even be able to find her for maybe even weeks. A gentle male voice came across to her through the thick ugly grey cement walls and she became quiet.

“Are you ok?” she heard the man whisper

“I don’t think so”, Maya said uncertainly.

A dialogue began with the man and lasted many months. The legal system lost her file and his, and many disastrous delays were incurred before finally one days, maybe 7 months later, an officer arrived to tell Maya that her family had succeeded with the legal system and paying of the fines and she would be released.  She was not even given five minutes to pack or say goodbye to the man across the wall whom she had never seen physically but had fallen deeply in love with. He had also fallen for her and promised quickly that no matter what happened, no matter how long it took, no matter how far they were he would find her!

Maya was released into the custody of her family and spent many months and years recovering from her jail experience.

One day, many years later in a town near Rio a man heard a women arguing over the price of apples with a local merchant.  She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around and looked into the eyes of a man she had never seen.

“Can I help you?” she asked

“It’s you”, he said smiling a big happy grin.

“It’s you…” breathed Maya whispering out her words the breath being knocked from her gut.

Her arms thrown around him, they were married a few week later. Gutto is a result of that relationship.

I am not in the habit of writing love stories but this one is both entirely true and so very interesting.

Gutto was 33 when he died. Kayoko is 33 now that she has arrived here in Canada and begun her new life. My intuition says that Gutto was very important to someone who also has something very important to do.  It seems to work like that in a big energetic chain of one thing to the next, and quite frankly I am quite excited to see what the next chapter brings.

Life is like a Pile of Dirt

Life is like a pile of dirt.  Everyone’s life has ALL the potential to grow amazing things, but you have to know what to add to your soil to make it rich, you have to decide when to till and mix up the soil elements, when to let it rest and ignore it, how much water and sunlight each aspect that grow in it requires.  In other words, to be a good gardener you have to know your dirt first and foremost.  Every life is like that.  Dirt is the foundation for a good garden just like the foundations of your life are like your dirt.  You cannot grow anything in stale earth.  It needs to be interacted with and balanced in accordance to the need of the things that will grow in it.  Sometimes the dirt, or foundation of our life is not clean and has some residue of things that came with it and that won’t help your garden grow, like big heavy stones that may need to be separated and used for other purposes.  A good gardener never throws anything away, but finds a purpose for everything in their garden. So the stones become barriers, boundaries to the new gardens you will create.  Small natural walls of beautiful multicoloured stones, which while in your “dirt” may have appeared burdensome and dirty, but once a good gardener puts their mind to shining up everything in their garden, the stones become a central point of beauty with another kind of beauty contained within.   Just like with your life, you need to find a way to make the “residue of the past” into something beautiful and useful. A part of the landscape of what you grow.

Before I begin complaining let me tell you that I have an amazing life.  I have every dream come true I have ever thought of. A horse farm, nice kids, a good husband, friends, music, art, literature…I have it all. I also have a lot of burdens and responsibilities that comes with those dreams.  I have 12 horses, 2 goats, 11 cats, 2 dogs and 5 kids still living on that horse farm and they require care and daily attention.  This sounds lovely, but everything gets exhausting when you do it seven days a week.  My kids are teenagers, so yes they are nice, but insane at times. Life with them can be an emotional roller coaster and you can never be guaranteed what th next encounter will hold. This lends my life a measure of emotional instability and at times real ego challenge. My husband is my partner and friend. We have seen some tough times raising seven kids. His job is stressful so we have fallen into the “stressed husband lonely depressed” wife roles. It sucks sometimes. I have amazing friends and they only lend good to my life.  This is not a place I find stressful. I am a professional musician sitting on th fence of middle age trying to figure out if playing music has any value at all. Actually I’m trying to figure out if ANYTHING I do holds any value at all to tell you the truth. I write all the time, again questioning the value. Even blogging, I only do this because I feel like if I put it OUT into the world (doesn’t really matter if anyone reads it) I tend to work things out and they become clearer to me.  I am tilling my soil with words.

Today is a good day to start raking my garden. I will take all the debris accumulated from the winter, all the things I ignored. The garbage that floated into the confines of its sacred walls and began their process of trying to integrate themselves with the soil below.   I don’t want garbage in my garden, I want health  and good things. A place where my friends and family and all the people who come across this farm and come and feed themselves. I want it to be DRIPPING with food,and abundant with good things,  where little kids can yank a carrot from the ground, shake off the dirt and feel the crunch that will forever remind them of summer, between their teeth. Every day is a good day to work on our gardens.

Update on the Clairvoyant Brazillian Houseguest and our Ghosts…

I thought I’d let everyone know an update regarding the recent intrusion of a few restless spirits into our very old farm-house.

As first mentioned, our new house guest, a very sweet half Japanese half Brazilian woman is living here with our dear friend and one of my musical partners.  She is amazingly sweet, gentle and has been deathly ill since her arrival into Canada by her subsequent subjection to a variety of illnesses that have even the most die-hard maple syrup eating, beaver smacking, hockey playing Canadian down for the count.  My heart really hurt for her, she looked like hell.  Not exactly a romantic entrance into her new country and marriage.

But things are looking up and I actually got to spend some time with her not barfing..she is really delightful.  Something about her “Japaneseness” makes me speak more softly and be more conscious of the strength of my delivery…which is WAY over the top most of the time.  Shhhhh Jo. Sheesh.

The way they see life in Brazil and the way we see it here is obviously different, but the differences are more than just basic..they are fundamental. North America as far as I know is one of the only place son the earth which has no common rituals or belief systems regarding the dead.  Along with a quickly catching up Europe, which nevertheless has a much richer folkloric history than North America but is also loosing it’;s strong connections to the energy fo the earth through modernization and industrialization. However, most of the world’s thirds world cultures observe a strict set of belief systems regarding their living interactions with the dead and the energy of the planet in general. In second world countries like Brazil there is a blending of the two, where it seems to be a predominantly Christian culture, as perceived because of the Jesus with outstretched Arms towering over Rio di Jinero, but in the  lives of the Brazilian people, many perform regularly energetic healing techniques, preferred by many above modern medicine.  My guest for example, accidentally drank poison as a young child as by the time they rushed her to hospital, her entire stomach and throat and jaw had been eroded by the terrible acid.

Her father, a Joh rei Minister performed healing on her for one night, and according tp her the next day she awoke hungry, the scars were well on their way to healing and here she sits in front of me with the most perfect Brazillian-Japanese skin I have ever seen on a human being.  My skeptical mind jumps in to protest, but I only have to look in her eyes to know that this is a true story.

Brazilians and other nature based cultures rely on the energy of ancestors to guide them with their accumulated wisdom. They relieve this wisdom in meditation. meditation and prayer are an integral part of Brazilian life; every home has an altar at which people pray together, as a family or with neighbours daily. Not only respect for the dead but an apparent willingness to be of service to those caught betwixt and between worlds.

North America and Europe, the two mostly non-land based continents, where the majority of individuals on these continents do not survive off of the land, but have access to modern amenities.  These amenities have succeeded in making the “1st” world nation priorities less about the basic needs of survival and security and more about personal achievement.  It ahs made us survival wimps. We live in a system based on egoistic demands of egoic individuals, and frankly we have lost our capacity to survive, in a very basic sense, due to these “amenities”.

Second and third world countries are not so unfortunate. They have not become tethered by a frantic daily race to an impossible finish line.  They haven’t devloped themselves stupid.  In countries such as Costa Rica, I observed that most people did not work to do anything else but earn the day’s food.  Most people live simply in small houses with sand floors.  Men and boys fish in the afternoon for the evening meal.  Sometimes they charge tourists rent for car spaces in the smaller villages we frequent and make a small amount of money living circumstance to circumstance.  They also don’t seem bothered by their “lack of security”.  We saw people chatting friendly and always waving hello to one another, even if they weren’tacquainted.  It is a happy place, with little stress and a solid sense of family and community. No place is perfect I suppose, and certainly ever society has individuals who will over work and create overabundance for themselves and inequity in the culture, thereby forcing them to focus on their “stuff” rather than the more important issues abounding in real life. But I’d like to think that there are many places in the world where they don’t hold the majority like they do in the United States with Canada pulling a close second.

It’s a tremendous opportunity having someone from such a different belief system so close, and her perspective is especially interesting as she was brought up in the city, with a father who was a Jo Rhei minister and a mother who was an emotional challenge at best.  Having been a conduit since she was a young girl she talks easily about stories where from the time she was about 5 years old she can remember seeing many people around her, but most of them were dead.  Sometimes she couldn’t tell the difference so she always touches your arms to make sure you’re real when talking to you. At  five years old, when her memories begin, her third eye hadn’t closed up as it does in children at around 7 years old. Before this age,  children can see much more than we can but they either a) don’t think it’s strange enough to report because having friends in any shape is so normal for them or b) they don’t have the words to convey what they are seeing.

Her stories are fascinating and entirely credible if for no other reason than she absolutely believes what she is saying.  There is not one hint of deception in this girl’s eyes and I respect her openness, although to her it’s just normal to believe in another sphere of reality.  People who hold these beliefs as agreements with their lives seem to uphold a greater degree of humility. They don’t make a habit of burdening themselves with human things like making more money or buying more stuff.  They are living in the space which always seeks the deeper reasons, connections and synchronicity.

So, after a ritual drumming last Sunday which was done exclusively for the proper delivery of said Spirits to their rightful places, there has been strangely little activity in our house.  It’s quiet, and actually feels “lighter” if that is a good word to describe something so insidious as an energetic change.  I’m a little scared to admit it, but I miss the little energies I sensed around me, late at night when I would sneak out of bed to write in the moonlight.  I felt like I had some strange type of companionship which is somehow now missing. Now that’s strange. 🙂


Do you consider yourself a “spiritual” person?  This new “self-definition” is quite popular now and I hear it all over the place.  I was out with friends at a birthday party this weekend, and as a prologue to an introduction to a new friend I was told, as a whispered aside:

“Oh and he’s very spiritual”.

What exactly does that mean?

I asked, and was told:

“Well he does Yoga and meditation”


What does it mean to you to live a “spiritual” life?

For me, the meaning of living life in a spiritual way means accepting the circumstances I am presented with, trying my best to deal with what i can and cannot control, being of service to others, developing my highest creative centers to be of service, learning more and working to keep my energetic centers balanced and to try every day to remember that I am a small part of a much bigger picture which contains a divine spark of contact between myself and that which thought me into being.  I try to rely more on that creative energy today. I like to think of myself as real, but it has taken considerable time and effort to get here. In fact the more I learn the more I discover that to “do” less can often result in achieving” more. I try to find value in everything, as much as possible. Especially in my contact with other people.

I am not the kind of person who can go to a party and talk about your job with you, or what sports your kids play. Sure these topics are always part of an introductory conversation, necessary foundation work which helps us get a handle on who it is we’re talking to. But, I want to know more – how you think. What you believe in. What kind of life you intend for yourself. I dont’ want to know these things to judge you, but because I believe every person is a book of knowledge, and what you have learned, only you can know because only you have lived your particular brand of life. So people fascinate me in the same way a good book can.  I want to find the real story about you. Like a great Master  said when asked “what is real”

“That which is real is that which never changes”.  And the Real part of a human being is the consciousness of our selfless inside voice that is always present and tranquil behind your thoughts.  Because it defies conceptualization, describing this “insideness” is pretty tough. Understanding yourself spiritually is like trying to wrap your mind around the concept of infinity.  In fact, they are the same thing. The You that is Spirit and the You that is Infinity (endless and boundless) is one and the same thing. Your intuition is the voice of your “gut”.  Intuition is your “feelings, thoughts and soul’s intention in perfect synchronistic communication through your conscious mind”.  You can only become “aware” of your intuition if you have some “space: within you.  This space is emotional space, space in your mind for new thoughts to enter, where the mind is not always filled with “old” thoughts, of the past, or illusory thoughts of the future. This place is reality.

Like the story of the Velveteen Rabbit:

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

In “becoming real”, Skin Horse let’s Rabbit know that he will have to undergo some trials; the loss of some fur, and maybe his eyes will get all “loved off”, but that won’t matter because his inner beauty will shine through to those to whom he has become real and so he will be happy.

Sometimes for us, “love” comes gently or it comes with difficulty. Loving without being in the way is the ultimate lesson of human existence. learning to love each other no matter what limitlessly is what it means to become “like God”. And just like Rabbit and Skin Horse, we all need to let ourselves get loved until we get real. Most of the time the only barrier to this is your allowance of what love you let enter your life.  The first love however, must come from yourself to You.   We are all “spiritual beings living a human existence”, as my mother has always told me. In order for you to honour your spiritual journey, you need to “get real” and identify the YOU within the you.  There is a consciousness behind our conscious mind that is the observer of us, that is the connection between all of the life energy that exists, and that what I believe I know about the world is probably a false because every moment of every day, every thing is changing.   But what you DO know  you know in a way that surpasses language . This is real, because it is the thing that never changes.  It is the mind behind the mind.

I never meet a new person without a conscious awareness that our meeting is not by chance.  I am also very quick to say to that person:

“I know everyone meets for a reason, I wonder what I will learn from you”. 

More often than not new friends nod in agreement and completely understand what I am talking about.  This is because I don’t encounter  people who have no spiritual association anymore. I used to in my “former life”, when I worked out in “the world”, in the city, industrial sales, little red sports car, nice clothes, nails polished.  I was a different person entirely back then.  My world was material and I worked hard at becoming good at accumulating this material. but somewhere inside of me, I could never quite let go of the belief that we are here not to earn a living, or to create security for ourselves in purely worldly way, but are here to help each other somehow in a greater sense.  I always sought the deep relationships with people in business too. My customers loved me because I was a breath of fresh air from the fake ascetic relationships they were used to in business. It was a greater “victory” for me when a client gave feedback that I was an approachable and communicative sales rep, than when i made big commission dollars.  My “personal” attitude was not highly regarded in the business world, and within a very short period of time, my desire  to “get the account” had dwindled and finally been extinguished.  What I “thought” my greatest ambitions were gave way to a greater light and a desire that I couldn’t resist.  It’s kind of like my early ambitions were a flashlight and someone walked into the room carrying a flood lamp.  My little flashlight didn’t hold much value anymore.

Over the years I tried things, stumbled and never really found my place in the world like “normal” people do.  I always made my own way through, found a new way of doing things, and created my life for myself, rarely relying on enterprise.  I don’t mean to make it sound easy, because it’s not.  I have a husband and partner who support me in every conceivable way. I am free in my life to explore my creativity and inner drives.  I stand in awe of the way my life has unfolded every day, let me assure you.  But, in the past decade or so I have noticed a great many people following this same life path. I have come across many many others, online and in the face to face world of those who are looking for the higher purpose, the greater mind in all of this tragic life we live.  I call them the Lightseekers, and they are popping up everywhere!  It seems that once a Lightseeker comes into contact with one who is a Lightbringer they recognize the greater journey and their flame ignites to allow them to become a Lightbringer to the next person who is seeking.  It’s a chain reaction and it’s happening all over the world.

I came to my understanding of this “carrying of light” by reading and listening, quite simply.  I became a seeker of truth a long time ago.  The most important thing in my life is figuring out who I am so that I can be of greatest usefulness to others.  This doesn;t make me a saint. It’s really how i think, and I make a TON of mistakes along the way in all of my “trying”.  We TRY too hard.  We are a culture who has integrated a protestant work ethic into our spirituality.  I am always needing to become mindful of my motivations because I constantly find my “egoic” mind entering into the picture needing to be “right” or to know more than others so I will be “received” by the outside world as a spiritual person and therefore get some validation for what i believe to be true about myself.  True spirituality, ladies and gentle, is not ever needing the validation of the outside world to know your own truth.  I may know this in my “mind” , but the journey to my heart still has to be made. It becomes frustrating because all of th research and meditating and listening I am doing the changes in understanding happen in me only when I am ready to receive them and not a second before.

And so I find once again that in my continued willingness to live a connected and spiritual existance, the universe gives me the lesson I need when I need it, and right now is the lesson of patience.  I’ll keep on keeping it real and let the dice fall where they may ~ TRYING LESS to BE MORE. )



Planet earth is depressed! There seems to be an encroaching apathy, a tiredness that is creeping over us like a dark unwanted blanket.  This is not the kind of depression that can be staved off with a pill or a quick fix solution. It is a depression borne of global spiritual emptiness; the only solution to this kind of depression is a significant change in perception.  This change in perception can only be motivated by a universal desire to survive, because remaining in this state of perception will surely only lead to more disasters. We reached an all time “hit-the-wall” feeling with the Cold War of the 1970’s and 80’s. This

was a time where youth were so greatly affected by daily reports of “imminent catastrophe” and all of the “way too much
information” reports on the effects of nuclear fallout, that many changed their future plans to reflect a “care-less” attitude,
especially regarding materialism, than their parents had in the preceding generation. For the first time in history, we saw a greater popular response to
“hate”, and tones of music became rough and angry. Unlike in the past generations, where parents had objected to sexual content, now music became

In the 1950’s and 60’s my older siblings were being taught to “tightly curl up in a ball” under their school desks should a nuclear bomb happen to land nearby. They told me about the regular drills they had. Such was the difference in what the general public knew then compared to today about the creations that we had created! Technology has lifted the veil of ignorance off of the average “Joe-human”, and many more cultures now have access to the truth of what is happening in the world and around them. Information will eventually breed knowledge, which will breed understanding. But, before peace, there must first occur a motivated “re-adjustment” in understanding, which is what we are living through now in this emerging global consciousness. We are riding the wave of readjustment, as our “evolving selves” integrate the now complete mind-body connection with the soul. The aspect of ourselves which is eternal and now is turning on and waiting to be heard in the voice of intuition and the signs of synchronicity and coincidence.

We have chosen this state of the world for ourselves; it is reflected in our very own creations! Let’s face it, we may blame the minds that we hired to create our weapons of mass destruction (Oppenheimer et…), but in truth it is only the belief system and endorsement of our culture that could create that kind of power. These are weapons of ultimate hatred. Movements of thought create movements of thought; thought is pure powerful energy. Nothing that you think is real, and yet nothing can become real without you thinking it! This is the paradox within which we must walk the fine line between our human lives, and our soul’s destiny. The balance is precarious and due diligence must be applied daily.

Where with our technological creations we have been motivated by fear, reprisal, and ego, today we see that if we have the capacity to create destruction, we have an equal capacity to move CREATION. Eras fraught with the greatest conflict and fear, historically, have also been times in which we find the greatest leaders. We have never been left without leadership in times of trouble, nor would we will be in the coming times. The fact that we are still HERE – even though we long ago elected to create things that could easily destroy us many times over, is a true testament to the will of man to survive. We have placed OURSELVES above our conflicts already…and this is a positive sign.

Our relationship with authority has also changed, and as the Tao Te Ching expresses so well; the greatest moral compass we have is within ourselves, and so, there really should be, in a perfect world, no need for outside authority outside of our own. Socio-Philosophers such as Barbara Marx Hubbard believe that we are at a stage of our evolution where we can actually consciously CONTROL the direction of our evolution. This is a very important concept, the idea of which has caused of flood of new perceptions to come into my own reality. The possibility of consciously controlling our evolution by co-creating our own lives with the
Creator of the Universe, because our minds have evolved to such a level as to allow us a small glimpse into eternity. A small crack to let in a flood of
light that is washing over everything we touch. The ego is comfortable…it is habitual. It feels like “an old friend” comfortable in our discomfort
simply because it has become habitual. Disconnection and fear however seem to be the by-products of an ego driven life.

What are we teaching our children?  We need a generation with hope, not this depressed insolvent thinking which we find ourselves in currently. The world is cutting itself free of didactical linear religious thinking. This is because we are approaching a time where everyone sense their greater connection to the planet and everything that is alive. Religions, by their originating purpose, raise one person above another in their ability to communicate with God through their leaders. This, immediately, cancels out the intention of God, which is to unite us all under his energy and move us towards where we will rise above our histories and enter a new era of thought and evolution on this planet.  Our children are the crucial carriers of this hopeful banner and they must be taught to find the spirit within themselves.  Times of looking for Source energy outside of ourselves through conventionalism and fundamental religious philosophy are finished.  Today those affected by the global shift are finding this powerful source much closer to home.

Relying on this inner “God sense” is becoming a reality, both within and without of organized religions for children in the western world as much as for children in the eastern cultures who may have had a greater opportunity to explore this important human capacity through their more accepting cultural beliefs which often lean towards understanding the flow of the energy of the world. This flow, and the pursuit of its understanding, lends itself naturally to silence
and the inner silence required for attention to the soul. The recognition of intuition as a valid source of communication between us and the divine source began for me with a series of strange and synchronistic events in my life. During this time, someone had recommended a book to me called “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield. I guess I had been searching for answers to unanswerable questions and they saw their own struggle in me. I read the book fervently, and found myself drawn into it. It was just the final cherry on the cake to convince me that everything that I had experienced personally, could not, as I had secretly suspected be from random design, because everything he spoke about in his book, in synchronistic terms, I could relate to from my  own recent experiences. Yet another coincidence…but I didn’t see them that way anymore.

Slowly over time, I was reminded that life is not random, and that there was something else in charge out there. I knew it somewhere inside of me, but I don’t think I ever actually really truly believed anything. I just tried to act “as if” because my soul had always called me to seek, I had just come up short on
finding any answers. It struck me as a final irony that the solution to this problem would eventual lead me to understanding that less “doing
and more just “being” would be my saving grace. It would allow me the space in my mind to receive the imaginative thoughts that I know come from

There are certain  types of dreams that allow us to go “beyond” ourselves and give us a moment of peace and a reminder of where my guide comes from. This
dream was life altering for me, and I have been driven to learn and experience more and more and the days and months continue.

This doesn’t mean that I am not tortured by human concerns. This would eliminate a part of why we choose to be here. This struggle our soul has with our humanity is the soul’s version of “the gym”, and it grows stronger with each decision and choice that we make this is aligned with our highest good. Each day, more and more people are making decisions this way; a life with a higher purpose in mind.




Over the course of my life I have had a few interests have really seemed to persist since my earliest memories; horses and nature, music, writing, singing, and ghost stories.  I have loved ghost stories since the beginning of time.  I am not talking gory gross stuff like Jason or Freddie here, I mean a well contrived, intelligently frightening ghost story. My favourite author as a young teenager was Edgar Allen Poe, I loved his morose romanticism. And I loved Van Gogh – who seemed to be a ghost even as an alive person.  My father brought me to England as a young girl and we went everywhere in search of ghost stories. The Tower of London ended up being our favourite although Scotland was a close second on the “spookiness” scale.  All of these “persistent interests” are what I would define as the call of my soul. Things that bring out passion in me that persist over a very long time, through changes in perception and understanding, come from a place that belies consciousness.   Once we realize the importance of these persistent interests and we take the time to honour them and understand what they represent to us, we begin to find wholeness within ourselves.  It is a sort of control born of a letting go of control.

I recall being a spiritual seeker since I was very young. I always looked for the “magic” in everything.  The concept of God fascinated me, but I never understood it as a part of who I was. Just a part of the story of my world and as a child the world is full of stories.

Ghost stories were the bridge between this world and the next for me.  They explained many of the mysteries of existence which I was looking for answers to at a very early age.  I can remember contemplating the nature of death as “ceasing to exist” and becoming terrified. I didn’t understand the lack of justice in the universe. Why would there be a God who would create us just so we could suffer, die and cease existing? It made no sense.

But religion made no sense either.  In my world of Catholicism I was taught that you were tap dancing through life trying to impress an unreachable immutable God who sat there just waiting for you to screw up.  Once you did screw up, and then watch out because the punishments were harsh and disparaging.  You had to count on an invisible thing that didn’t really seem to like you to begin with, being born a woman and with original sin and all that.  (We poor Catholics start off with a real moral disadvantage in the world!)

Then I discovered there were other types of religion; ones that honoured the earth and the elements we are all made of and reliant upon. This seemed to make more sense to my “inner self”. It felt more “real” and observant of the force we are all sort of aware of, but can’t quite put our fingers on.

Ghosts were that force. They were the “almost real” of the divine. One of the castles my father and I visited long ago in England.

I went from reading ghost stories because I liked to be scared, to reading real encounters and more scientific paranormal literature, recent studies and new findings.  I could see that I was looking for confirmation of “that which cannot be named” in human experience.  The Tao Te Ching begins by saying “That which can be named is not the Tao that is”.  This becomes clearer as I understand that the more I looked straight at the energy that was eternal, the less I understood it but the closer I come to understanding myself as eternal.

My research and understanding went from “about other people’s stories” to my own personal experiences.  By reading, I began to understand what the symbols and designs that the universe sent were.  That everyone had this power to perceive, but in of us in a very different way, so that comparing experiences is very difficult and hard to validate.    I decided to become more open to the energy of those who lived before us.  I began to understand that every form of “consciousness” leaves behind an impact of energy which can subsist beyond their physical form.  If that energy is “unresolved” or has attachments to the consciousness of another, then the energy stays connected and thereby impacts the other individual in a myriad of ways.  When those ways are out of control, they call it possession.

Not all remaining energies are ambivalent or malicious.  Many of them retain of the personality characteristics, such as a sense of humour, which they received in their recent life.  This makes them “recognizable” to their soul mates still existing in human form.

Soul mates, as we have described them come in any form that Spirit so chooses.  If we are supposed to receive a message, we will receive it, by radio, book, interpersonal exchange, coincidence or synchronicity, be assured you will receive what you are meant to.  Your job then is to understand yourself well enough to know when that information is being received; this is called honing your intuition.  You open up all of your energy centers.

Some people receive intuition through their body, they can feel it coming. Or sometimes people feel intuition in their mind; they have a thought that may indicate a danger or a change coming. Other times, people feel intuition in their “gut”, the middle of the body, the solar plexus.  This place of the body has often been associated in Hindu and Buddhist teachings for example, with the emotional experiences of being human.

Our soul mates, attached to the various chakra centers of the body, do not detach until we find a resolution in the consequences of our relationships.  This is how some people end of up with the spirits of the departed interacting and impacting their lives.  Until they resolve the relationship and find every ounce of beauty available to them from it, they will be as unresolved as the spirit which is unwillingly attached to them.

My husband and I are both on our second and god-willing final marriage.  We have a tremendous and supportive relationship, a great deal of love and respect for one another.  We enjoy a great sex life and travel the world together eating food and enjoying the earth. We are great.

But before “each other” we had our first marriages.  Mine wasn’t particularly bad, it was just unfulfilling.  I knew that if I stayed in that circumstance, I would surely not ever experience my life. I would simply exist through it and so as a young adult I left the relationship and began over again.

My husband though had a 16 year marriage with a woman who he claims to have quite often despised, and following her unexpected death many years ago, he has never found the “beauty” in their relationship. Not the real learning and inner knowing that these kinds of conflicting first and second chakra relationships can bring.  In fact, I can see clearly how we also have a first and second chakra relationship in many ways, but in contexts which heal the previous experiences of our pasts.

Recently we invited a house guest to come and live with us. She is from Brazil and has experienced an entirely different life and spiritual teaching than we have here in the West.  In Brazil, although she lives in the big city near Sao Paolo, there is a wide and varied practice of Johrei, energetic healing through channeling the energy of God; a prayer which when fully intended opens you up as a conduit to healing.  She also sees the energies which remain behind, the ghosts, which in a house that is over 100 years old, provides a significant challenge in our household.

The other day she told me she saw a spirit sitting on the couch in our living room, that she was a very sad woman, extremely thin (thinner than my guest which is nearly inconceivable) and sad-looking.  Like she was waiting for something.  When I took out an old photo album, she identified my husband’s ex wife as the woman.  What really threw me (You may not believe it but I am an eternal skeptic) was when she said that the woman had very bad hair, very dry and unhealthy looking.  This was an incredible insight because when she died, she had been going through radiation treatments and her hair was a mess, all dry and scraggly from all the treatments.

It didn’t scare me, I felt resolved with the woman, having raised her kids for h last 12 years, I feel my slate is pretty clean.  But he has spent all this time avoiding it, and I think we both thought he could avoid it forever, but apparently that was not meant to be.

Last night we did yoga together.  He really wanted to try after he pulled his back while we were in Costa Rica and doing a small amount of yoga is the only thing that seemed to fix him. He became a convert J  so, last night seemed like a good time to tell him his ex-wife’s ghost had followed us here and the reckoning time had come. God does not have a copy of our agendas, and it became clear to me that I was the only one that could give him this information without him thinking I am a lunatic.  He would have thought anyone else was mental.

Then I got the thought that even she was a soul mate…wow.  I told him this thought, and he became incensed.  He told me he felt insulted and angry.  I thought that was ironic and said nothing more.  She was still working on him. Wow. I wonder when he will be ready to give it up.

Forgiving does NOT MEAN that you say that what someone did to hurt you was OK.  Forgiveness is surrendering to the reality that nothing happens by accident. That nothing in this world is mistimed in any way.  That free will means simply we are in control of how we PERCEIVE it all…how we interpret it.  Intuition means we interpret with our HIGHEST MIND.

So, my intuition, my highest mind, is telling me this isn’t going to go away so easily, but I am further convinced that her energy in many ways attaches itself to me and brings me down.  My higher level of “awareness” or consciousness has made it so that I am more diligent in the condition of my own energy. I take care of myself physically more understanding that it is all attached, all flows into itself all the time.  I am not a separate being.  I get that. But I also know that my separate consciousness cannot sustain her emotionalism, if in fact that is what is happening.

So, our ghost (apparently one of three…more stories to come) is teaching me that some souls have a real and definite purpose with one another, and until that purpose is fulfilled, they will go on and on and on.

I don’t know if he will get it, but that’s not my job. I just told him what my heartfelt it wanted to say. I have a better ear for my heart now.  I think we can only bring what we feel in our hearts to someone, then let go of the results. Make sure our side of the street is clean and keep walking forward.  Trying to do that in harmony with all of the energies that exists in our lives, through our chakra connections to us each other the planet and the universe ultimately increases our ability to understand ourselves and our purpose further.

Maybe you still don’t believe in ghosts, but the next time someone pops into your consciousness again, through whatever medium (a Brazilian psychic living in your house or a song on the radio) send a prayer up, whatever kind words or a thought for that person.  The universe is always speaking to us and
telling us what we should be focusing on.  It’s our job to learn every way we can to listen.

Winds of Change…

The winds are a howlin tonight as they say in the America midwest.  They suffered great destruction from unikely tornadoes last night.  The Canadian maritime s are experiencing thunder during a snow storm. Who has ever heard of such a thing?  Such rapid clashing of two systems causing effects that we have never seen before. 

The red Tides run all over the place in the Pacific this year; from Vancouver to Nicargaua and Costa Rica, everyone is complaining about their abnormally long presence in the waters. The problem is that these tides are a form of algae which consume resources as they waft through the ocean appearing as a red cloud.  Some people told me that one year it was so bad that all of the fish appeared dead or stunned on the coastlines.  Something very abnormal in what is generally considererd clean water is occurring and it is only a small symptom of an environmental back lash we are seeing globally.  Tonight I am grateful for the solid and safe life I have today, but I do pray for the strength to sustain the changes that are coming shortly. 



Unimagine the UNIMAGINABLE

Just back from Costa Rica, having come from the cold dead of winter into the vibrant aliveness of that living place and I feel changed in ways I have never really experienced before so please forgive me if I don’t express myself very well.  I feel like I am exploring a new level of understanding that I could never have guessed at.  I’m starting (I said STARTING!) to understand that the power we are looking for is really deeply welled within our very selves.  That in fact we are the energy of the All.  Like the beatles said “I am he and you are me and me is she and we are all together”, or something like that.

There are some enlightened souls along our historical path that have ultimately, upon investigation and study all pointed us in the same direction. Buddha, Jeshua, YwEh, Mohammed,Gandhi, Dali Lama…however different their methods and whatever their appeal, we have all been pointed in the same ultimate direction; that  To know yourself is the BIG PICTURE. It’s your goal. And finding your highest level of positive forward creative expression is the greatest achievement of your life. However you choose to do that is where free-will comes in.

I hear many people today who feel the need to express a loud and decidedly public opinion against organized religion. There is even increased public appeal for ” public leaders” who condemn organized religion; the public thinks it makes them all feel more “liberal” and therefore politically correct. It is almost a reason for public stoning for someone to admit a strong religious affiliation, because the limitations that organizational religions places on our current emerging understanding of the energy we sometimes refer to as God, love, Tao, whatever, is more expansive that even our language can express.  We are sensing this higher level of intuitive connectedness.

And so Religion has become our “fall guy”.  We are too afraid to blame ALL of our problems on the ineffectiveness of our governments because if everyone who thought government was inneffectual and destructive voiced it out loud and at 0nce, it is conceivable that the earht would shake off its axis for the energy shift that would occur in us as a people.

And yet we continue to live in fear; fear of the power and effort that will be required to affect real change in the world. I hear people and read things every single day that really speak to support this ongoing rapid change in global consciousness.

Mostly I see it in my children.  My son, at 17 years old, was always smart enough, since a young child, to be questioning the authority of my opinion on spiritual teaching.  Throughout his life he fought me hard, and despite a parents natural influence, (which apparently diminishes significantly as the children near puberty)somehow has begun understanding things in a way that, well frankly, kids 30 years ago would simply not have been able to wrap their minds around.

I think this is part of the good news.  I believe we are in a time where it is EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT (even with the concept of “Time” being as questionable as it is right now)  where for the first time in history we either have the essential ability to have a conscious understanding of how we are evolving and to know where we are heading.  I think part of the problem is twofold:  1)  Blind unconscious fear in great part still exists and 2) we know where we are heading. This planet is full of our problems.

Everyone,. it seems, is being guided towards a path of service and individual enlightenment (whatever that means for you).  Many talk about things of higher understanding. I find people like this, really strangers but we know each other instinctively,  in random places at random times. I always learn something.

Synchronicity and coincidence have become a better way to make major decisions than taking personal control through ego.

We rely on gut now and know it more often than not to be the truth. We know better how to hear ourselves.

You maybe feel younger, or more physically well.  Like a new energy is within you.

I have met tons of people around the world with similar experiences and have enjoyed sharing stories with them one and all.  It’s amazing to take the time to really get to know people as much as you can within the circumstances you are given.  You just can’t lose cause everyone is really amazing and has something to teach.

I understand that no one “likes” everyone, I really do get that.  But I also can see clearly that the people who have the most conflict with the outside world; lawsuits, arguments, anger or resentments, are also the same people who have the most problems in their personal relationships. They are the aggressive “always angry” people. They are always looking for a fight, and therefore always protecting themselves. They are really hard to get to know on a one to one basis simply because they are so self protective;  they know somewhere inside of them that because they put out that kind of energy, they will surely attract it.

Ironically it’s their own sense of lack that fills them with these personality traits that sometimes don’t work so well with other people.  Just as it is in physics, “like attracts like”.

I’m interested in what’s going on in the world on a much deeper level now.  I was always interested in the way government ran. Even as young as 15 and in University (what a party…wow.) I was a Poli. Sci. major with a secret love for greek philosophers and a deep hatred of 80’s music.  None of this has changed I am thankful to report. 

But what I know now is first off, most of them were wrong.  The moment someone takes an idea and holds it as UNCHANGEABLE AND UNALTERABLE (socialism, democracy, communism, democratic monarchy, Totalitarianism – WHATEVER…they are wrong, because absolutely nothing is unchangeable or unchanging (absolutely nothing, including ourselves) and so a system that is created should be based on the premise of flexibility and change. It is simply the only kind of political system that can work in the  upcoming wave of consciousness that is occurring around the world.

As David Bourne said in “Global Shift”, the world is coming into a new way of intuitively understanding “higher morality”, which is represented by their instinct towards what is moral and right and not by the previous possibly incorrect morality modeled to us by what Caroline Myss calls our “tribes”.  we are making our own choices about right and wrong.

This is going to be a great year, filled with interesting ups and downs.  Lets all remember we’re just here to experience whatever it is we are experiencing…and yes that includes the worst and the best of them.  Try and get what you can “from the inside” in each of these experiences.  Then move on.  If we stop dragging th past along with us, both individually and internationally, we will all be much better off.

ironically this is all stuff we already know.

For example, if the world debt is such a problem, and the resources that represents it no longer exist (which in most cases they don’t) then why don’t we just forget world public debt?  It’s really not that tough.  What would happen if we wipe the slate clean.

we don’t borrow money anymore. No one lends…no one borrows.  We just make sure everyone has what they need.

It’s really not a big leap, and we all know this is doable.  We are only starting to be at the place wheer we can envision it happening, but the possibility does exist.

A society, like that envisioned by Gene Roddenberry of all people, where currency no longer exists, where study and higher learning, expression of creativity is the highest goal of the individual.  Where people accepted each other’s REALLY ALIEN differences with understanding, and educated diplomacy.  It was an ideal culture, but what we do know from the past if that is someone can envision it then it is possible, nothing is possible before we bring it into creation and the first step in that is always through our imaginations.

where does imagination come from?  Do you ever ask yourself where your “from left field” gut feelings that turn out to be right come from?  Or your solution to a complex problem that others were perhaps struggling with?  have you ever wondered where your “talent” comes from.  Everyone is good at something…what are you good at?

But many people question the “purpose” or validity of their highest creative talent. The guitar player who puts it aside to work 9-5 for his family. The lawyer who can’t find time for the trombone, or the guy who delivers the groceries to your house who, in his land, was considered a master drummer and that made him nearly royalty.  He probably doesn’t go home and play his djembe after a day of delivering groceries.

Many people question the purpose and validity because in order for us to be working in the realm of creativity, certain other aspects of our lives must be taken care of. As in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we find that we can be more creative when we know where we will get our next meal and having a roof over our heads can really help too.  Many artists don’t see ‘earning a living” through their art as a viable alternative to working in what they ay consider mundane.
But there are as far as I am concerned certain universal concepts at work when it comes to the creative soul:
1- The purpose of life is to know yourself
2- the purpose of humanity is to live an experience for the thing that made us all alive (god, energy Tao…whatever) we are God’s experience.
3- Finding our inner creative nature is the ULTIMATE ACT OF KNOWING YOURSELF.
4- It is your SOLE (soul) PURPOSE to know yourself as you really are. Creativity (in whatever form) is the ONLY honest route to this.
5- Art is for YOU and FOR OTHERS allows us to face the (everyone has it) fear of humiliation…the only way to reaching humility is to look at this issue straight in the eye and decide it is not going to be allowed to make decisions on your behalf. Humility doesn’t mean we don’t get stage fright or get nervous at sharing what we create with others…it means we give credit in our minds and hearts to where credit is due. Art doesn’t come from US…it comes from SPIRIT (Inspiration = inward breathe = Inward spatial focus…THROUGH us. You just have to allow.
I am not trying to be all “wooey” about this, but I am sure you have as I have faced this issue a KABILLION times over the years…and frankly it has probably been your major life struggle (chosen BY you by the way…we all choose our “main issues” prior to coming back this time around) all of your life.  You try to fit in, be right, do right, be good.  We all have done it, so it’s ok for you to admit it. And we will  face this “validation issue” OVER AND OVER in this and other lives  until we decide that relying on our intuitive senses of purpose is the highest calling we can have.
But you have to make a decision. There are actions you have to take to validate yourself (operative word here being yourself). The art I do is the ultimate expression of how my soul feels. But why is that important?  I am just one little shrimp in a great big sea. I will live, I will die and most likely I will leave such a little impression that in 50 years people will already have forgotten me. Aha…but what if something I can do today (creatively) can somehow contribute to someone (feeling better about themselves for example) and so they make a better choice for themselves ; like the woman who came to see SoulFusion play music and she decided suicide (after hearing Calling All Angels) was not the right choice for her on that day after all. We are the only creations blessed with the capacity to EXPRESS emotion through artistic representation.  Why don’t we think that this is amazing? Because other than that…we are no more important or impacting than a blade of grass or a lady bug.
Ask yourself questions (be REALLY BRUTALLY HONEST):
1) Why do you make art?
2) Who do you make it for?
3) Do you hope it has a higher purpose beyond personal satisfaction? or do you create to enrich only promote your satisfaction with yourself? (there are no good or bad right or wrong answers…they are only for you to know yourself better).
4) If you had no restrictions, all of the possible materials available, time and health…what would you want your art to do? What purpose would you give it “if you could choose” what it would do? Make people happy? Stay in your closet? Change the world? Save a life? What? Decide…and be honest with yourself.
5) What do you want to GET OUT OF doing your art? Financial security? Fame or recognition? Validation? Friends?
Then…once answered you have to make a decision…to be very brave. It takes ALLOT of faith and courage to create at a high level (all faculties involved in the creation…no matter what it is…is always a challenge). But YOU ARE BRAVE!  The fear of “not being good enough” maybe has had a huge impact on you, like no many people who try to think outside of the box.  I had it pretty bad, even with all the support my family and friends gave me through the years, I chose to hear only the negative things in my own head about myself, thinking that was what i deserved. Ridiculous. But the work to get out of that kind of thinking takes time and I have found that I am certainly not alone in my experience.
I don’t think depression needs to be managed as a medical condition.  I think depression need to be addressed on a psycho-spiritual level. It is crippling north america.  I find in the countries I travel to where the population is basically in touch with the earth more than the modern industrialized world, the experience of the native culture is generally more relaxed and well-balanced. These are NOT depressed people!  They seem to be happier people with really clear and community oriented priorities. In other words, they aren’t always thinking about themselves like we do, all holed up in our gated communities, not even bothering to make meals for our families anymore, fast food restaurants feeding us poison and shit, TV that eliminates our ability to think for ourselves. NO WONDER we are a nation of depressed people!  we so busy worrying about a recession that hasn’t really happened yet that quite frankly we are putting ALL OF OUR ENERGY into CREATING a recession that wouldn’t have happened in the first place had we not imagined it.  Imagine and create all sorts of things! War, rape, murder, child abuse, prostitution, drug addiction. remember, only what we imagine can be created. So, we are all responsible for it.
And until we decide to drop our guns and stand up straight be seen that we are all coming from the exact same place and we are all going to the exact same place – which is everywhere and nowhere – we will continue to believe that these acts are IMAGINEABLE.
Please decide to make these concepts UNIMAGINABLE in your life.  This is not a small deal. If ten people in a  community suddenly decide to change; they decide not to fight back, not to be paranoid, not to buy a gun, not to tolerate bigotry and hatred…can you imagine how this will flow forward and impact?  I know there are already so many people out there who are doing the right things.   Go out of your way to help. Get to know your neighbors. Join a community group in which you are doing work which is totally uncompensated and unrecognized, like making coffee for an old people’s bridge group, where you are never seen, you just get to just do the work and leave.  This is good for your humility.   And stop accepting the unacceptable in your politicians.! MY GOD who are you letting lead the world? Are these ridiculous people REALLY your voice? I don’t think so…I just think the world is only now starting to figure out a way to even HAVE its own voice and that is through technology.  It can be our savior or our downfall depending on how each individual uses it. For example, the MEDIA leads the world; please don’t be mistaken.  Wake up and stop paying attention to their fear-hate mongering. CNN, FOX, ABC…all bullshit.  Self serving crap giving you a distorted view of whats happening in the world. I’m sure there are a handful of honest well-intentioned journalists out there, but even so they are brainwashed by a state mandate, and can;t even realize that they are unclear as to their purpose.  They continuously and insidiously cite their opinions (and therefore “our opinion” on  world events, according to the mandate of their government at the time.  To do anything else might uncover the truth of whats been going on int he world, and we all know that the world is not quite ready to handle the truth.
But if you want to make a change, turn off your tv’s, go outside and TALK to people. First start by understanding the world in which you live.
You are looking for an ego-free existence, where you see each experience as contributing to the greater sum of your life, whether it be a pleasant or unpleasant experience.  Then you try to express the experience/    This is a shift in understanding. Being blocked in art is an OPPORTUNITY for another shift. Can propel you forward…if you choose to let the ouch hurt and let the good flow. It’s all about letting emotional experiences pass THROUGH our hearts and not let them get stuck. ART in any form (creativity) is the most effective way of keeping your heart “clear” and unplugged with debris. It is only in this way that you can be of service to another person and getting better and facing tough challenges like creative blockage is an opportunity to find out something about yourself (usually relating to the subject of humility). Knowing where we are afraid to be vulnerable allows for us to have a greater intuitive and guided flow of creative inspiration. Make sense?
Take what you want, leave the rest. This is what I have found for myself, but everyone’s understanding is different so I don’t know if you see things the same way, but I figure, sharing the experience is better than not. Gives it purpose above just what this understanding did for me individually. I try to just DECIDE that what I am doing has purpose. I write music, paint, draw, write stories, my book…whatever. each of us has something amazing to contribute…even if it’s just a good intention. You are no different.
I am unwilling to waste time or mince words anymore, but not in a mean a way that says that not only do I believe our creative processes (ALL OF US) are important, but gearing the energy of each of us into the things we do the best…is the ONLY WAY to save the world. Yup…that’s my the world.
Are you in?