Just Being…

Everyone’s been in abit of a strange place lately, don’t you think? Creatively I am a mess.   I have been far from my writing and I know go through periods like this and it comes back but I always worry that it will go away forever, like a good friend or something.  It’s a little pathetic to realize that I have abandonment issues even with intangible things.   Just when you think you know something…the universe steps in to remind you that you’re not done learning.  It’s been such a long road to get from where I was 17 months ago to where I am today, I don’t even know if I will ever be able to unravel all of the things that have been transformed in me.  I wish I could tell you that you can learn everything you need to know through reading a textbook or some fabulous self help guru, but it’s not true.  The only thing I have learned, the most important thing – is that the changes I needed were completely inside of me the whole time.  Not inside of you or anyone else; I could not find happiness through another person.

I have had a roller coaster ride of activity in the past few weeks. Musically my life is beginning some weird explosion.  With a friend coming to live with us; a fellow musician and spiritual brother, we have been working on healing our past few years of experiences together through music.  I have found myself creatively centered here and very focused with the help of his encouragement especially regarding my original music. which has been gratifying.  We played our first show in 7 years together last night and it felt really terrific.  It was nice to play without the whole band, I felt myself stretching further having to play and sing  simultaneously, as well I found a few times I could even loose myself in the groove and the music expanded outwards.  It felt really fantastic.

I have also been invited to join a native american drumming circle, which I am really enjoying and learning so much from.  They call me a Shaman in the group, at least the head Shaman and second one call me that.  They said it’s just what I am. Strange, but I’m going with it. When I was asked to lead the circle last week at first I was surprised, but instead of questioning things all the time I just assumed that this was guidance and followed.  It has been my “challenge of the week” project from the Interior Castle Study group I lead on Sunday’s – listening to intuition.  It seems that when we bring a subject to the forefront like that into consciousness, it becomes much more active, because this week was FILLED with guidance. Crazy busy and strong guidance.

I try to write with guidance as well but find my mind gets in the way especially when I have allot running around my life.  Sometimes I feel like throwing it all out the window and just sitting quietly for the rest of my life. But then, I don’t think I would appreciate the quiet as much were it not for my life being exactly as it is.  Today is a quiet day and I am going to enjoy just BEING.


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