I Have Teenagers.

I have teenaged children and they are making me insane. Literally insane.  They fire me up with guilt every time I choose not to do something for them just cause they want it.  But I have screwed up so many times, i don’t even trust my decisions even when they are on my own behalf now. How crazy is that?

I figure I have made about 1 out of five right choices when it comes to parenting. A probable 50% improvement over my own parents I’d say.  Each generation gets better. We become more open-minded, less violent and conflicted in many ways.  Socially, although we may bemoan our current global circumstances, we really live in pretty prime times.  And yes, if there is one thing lacking in common with each of our screwed up societies is that none of us know exactly HOW to deal with our young.

When they are babies we indulge them, and then when they grow we distance ourselves from them.  ALl of their lives we tell them be like me be like me, then when we find ourselves in them in ways we may not have counted on, we resent them.  It’s all a very unlikely to succeed game, this game of parenting.

There is a good chance that you go into parenting in the first place for the wrong reasons. How many kids are conceived “accidentally”?  I don’t trust any of the statistics on this from government sources because I am pretty sure people lie about this kind of stuff which invalidates all of the numbers.  So, you are in shock, the course of your life suddenly changes (even good changes can be hard) and you try and adapt to your new existence as the keeper of a brand new living breathing human being.  It’s quite a plunge let me tell you.

Now if you were like me, at 25 I was not yet married and was still trying to figure out what i was going to be when i grew up.  Then I had my daughter.  It was lovely. She was lovely. I felt like I “fit in” to what the world expected of me, and I really enjoyed every minute. i watched her grow and loved even the late night awakenings for feedings.  I revelled in every moment of early parenthood.  I was pregnant with my son when my first was 9 months old. Now began the exhaustion. ( months pregnant with an 18 month old. Can you imagine?

My third daughter born just two years later, I nursed her till she was 16 months (now I was DETERMINED to be perfect), I divorced their father when she was 2. I met my current husband when she was 3 and when she was 5 we all moved in together. That’s when I got FOUR MORE kids ranging from the ages of 3-14.  His ex-wife had died and we were thrown into  what everyone called The Adam’s Family meets The Brady Bunch. It was awesome in the true sense of the word. We did enormous expansions on our house, and even sat for many years at a 14 foot picnic table because it was the only piece of furniture we could all sit at as a family and afford.

The kids grew pretty happily together, but when you have so many, there is always GUILT. That evil demon cloud that seems to perch itself above your head the minute you push out your first baby.  It think it grows in intensity and by the time children reach adolescence, they have managed to render your mind mute to its own protestations.

I have done some of the dumbest things Imaginable. I have given in way too many times to unreasonable demands because I don’t “want them to hate me”.  I have relived the guilt of leaving their father 8 million times.  How much longer exactly must I live like this?

My 15-year-old daughter (I know…you’re smiling) is a brainy vivacious beautiful brilliant girl.  She is snappy and wistful all at the same time.  She has a brash attitude and thinks I’m the devil. I’m not sure when that happened but it was right around the time when she was thirteen and came down the stairs and her head was spinning around in circles.

I sometimes secretly cry because I miss my daughter like you would someone who you know is on a very long vacation.  I am sometimes afraid she won’t ever be coming back and that would be very sad.

So yes, this is not the greatest piece of writing to read if you are considering having kids. my current opinion is that we have too damned many of them already and we need to take care of what we have i=before we start making new ones. Does that mean maybe you will lose a generation of your progeny? That you wont be remembered in history because all you really think you can contribute to this world is your genetic offspring?  That’s a very limited point of view as far as I’m concerned.

 

Having children…having these children, was definitely in the destiny of my soul.  I knew what I was doing, it felt right and good and fulfilling while I was doing it.  But now, on this even before a vacation with my husband, I find I am EMPTY. I am not only incapable but completely unwilling to do anything further for one more person today.  I am done. Empty. Without resources with which to partake in life 🙂  I’m exhausted.

But be careful when you write things, because I was re-reading my post from yesterday and came upon the part where I gave the GREAT ADVICE (sheesh) of Filling Your Own Cup.  Well…maybe I should take my own advice.

So, let me say in defense of my great idea that when you choose to do this, you will find that maybe you need to set boundaries with people in your life. Where you have taught them that you are always available to be pounded on or requested of or talked to or interacted with on some level, you now have to teach them that this is no longer how it works with you.  Explain that sometimes, like everyone, you need some time not to think about anything and just be.  You may have to explain that  you can’t always be on call all the time to solve people’s problems or listen to their anger and that in fact they are all more than capable of solving their own problems.

It’s tought for them, because they will feel a loosening of the net you have built under them and likely they will attempt to take their discomfort out on you.  But try not to accept the “poison” or anger they try to hand you.

Changing the game plan is never easy. Remember how much you like change that you did not request?  Well…everyone else is the same too and everyone reacts in different ways, but ultimately their reactions are less your concern than is your own, for you only have control over your perception of things.  Nothing else.

So try to take your space today as much as you can, and know that even though they may not understand it, filling your own cup is the very best thing you can do for everyone that you love.

 

~peace~ from out here in the real world. 

LET’S CHANGE THE WORLD…WHAT THE HELL.

Hey I have an idea!  At the risk of sounding unintentionally sarcastic, how about we take steps, in this instant to stop the downward spiral of our planet?  Today. Right now. I keep wondering what we are waiting for. MORE bad news?

I know you’re tired of hearing this…I get it but…what if we all suddenly knew that we had the absolute power to take back control over this issue but that in order to do that, we would have to make some very important fundamental changes in our lives about what we believe and how we make choices?  

These changes will not be easy for you. They will ask you to look deeply within yourself before you make any further life decisions from this moment onwards.  These choices demand that you take yourself and your role on this planet and in this life much more seriously.  It will demand that you step up to the call of your soul and stop pussyfooting around the issue but asking inane questions that demand five sensory scientific proof for things that surpass such limited sensory proof.  Intuition is awakening in us. At least in my world, it has become apparent that since 1997, there are things that have been fundamentally shifting in both our planetary attitudes down to our individual ones.  It seems that the individual always emulates the overall sentiment of the culture at the time, and so choices reflect the group thinking.  Where there is great dissent between what the group thinks and the government or representative body of the group thinks, it is then that we encounter violence and fear.  We go back to sleep.

It is necessary that everyone stop being terrified of stuff we have made up in our minds and chosen to call true.  Our preconceived notions of one another, our deluded sense of selves and overinflated identification with our ego selves.  Self analysis is all very well and good, but the time has come to put theory into practice and step up to the plate. Maybe that sounds like a very tall order, without any true sense of direction. Let me make it clearer and perhaps you will have some thoughts to add to what we can do to help the shift become more conscious and powerful.

Like in the “Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield, it is advised that we begin to take conscious note of intuition, coincidences and synchronicity and that we try to incorporate the ability of our intuition to also determine the meaning of symbolism, which is the universe’s communication with us directly.  We have to learn to both listen and trust ourselves on a much deeper level. There are different ways of doing this, but the bottom line is that you have to b motivated. Most of us are motivated by pain or fear.  The good news is that you will find that as you continue to explore yourself more deeply, you will illuminate the real issues that caused you fear thereby eliminating any power they may have had in your life.  Darkness always scatters from light like a rat.

here are some things you may want to challenge yourself with.  After all..it can’tt hurt.

DROP JUDGEMENT FOR JUST ONE DAY.

How about for just one day,( let’s say TOMORROW), we all drop prejudice and judgment just for the helluvit.  Begin with how harshly you judge yourself though because until you can be kinder to YOU cannot be kinder to others.  You cannot love as well as you are meant to love until you fully understand self-love.  I know it sounds selfish, but for a few days listen really carefully to your own needs, as if you are listening to a friend that you really love, but don’t judge your thoughts as they come.  Just take note of them.  Maybe highlight the needs that you did not fulfill, because you judged them unnecessary or you simply forgot yourself in the demands your world makes of you.

MAKE SURE YOUR OWN CUP IS FULL

My life encompasses a great many number of roles.  If I did not find way to periodically ‘fill myself up”, I would surely become irritable and incapable of being present for the people I love in my life.  If I did not take the time to find myself and where I am in the center of my own life, I really could not tell you where any of us are standing.  Without this daily taking stock, you cannot possibly know enough about yourself to be of any real use to the people you love, so before you go off thinking you are incapable of taking selfish time for quiet introspection because “everyone needs you”, understand that without that well spent time you are running on empty and have only the shell of yourself to offer them. A pittance compared to the potential you are filled with.

TAKE TIME EVERY DAY TO BE QUIET AND ALONE WITH YOURSELF: RECONNECT WITH YOUR ESSENCE

Everyone is human, and even when I demand the time to be quiet with myself, I still struggle at times with the insistence of my mind that unless I am busy at work “doing something” I am “wasting my time”.  This is the kind of thinking that leads me to exhaustion, depression and despair. As a mother, wife, teacher, musician, friend, sister, daughter, cousin, niece…all of these roles cause me to have to be present sometimes too many people.  Life needs boundaries and setting them with those in your life requires self-knowledge and a compassionate expression.  You may have to express some boundaries with people…but that’s ok. We teach people how to treat us. See if you can’t claim part of your life for yourself, what does that say about what you are willing to do for yourself – on your own behalf?

ADMIT WHAT SCARES YOU AND FIND OUT THE TRUTH

Fear is the great obstacle and your great teacher. Whatever your life is missing, it is because you are afraid of something. Fear can tell you what you REALLY think about something. But you ahve to muster up the courage to be HONEST with yourself. Live where you are right now. Love your life for what it is, not what it will be one day when conditions change.  BE where you ARE. This is how to lose the fear.  Fear only comes from past or future; it never exists in present moment.

Fear hinders love like a dark cloud hinders the rays of the sun. But like the sun, the fear is eventually burned away but the light of what is better, what feels more right. Wake up from your DREAM!  We have been asleep. Welcome to a new day!

EXPRESS GRATITUDE FOR EVERYONE WHO HELPS MAKE YOUR LIFE WHAT IT IS

Ask yourself if you are as nice to your spouse as your are to total strangers? Do you show as much interest in the people close to you, or do you take the people who support your life and help you make it what it is for granted?

Try and recognize that violence is an expression of self-hatred and for God’s sakes (literally) try to be nicer to one another. None of you are right or wrong. You just ARE.

Take a conscious minute every day to just be grateful that you’re not worse off than you are. And do something nice for someone…and don’t tell anyone about it.

These are very basic steps to real satisfaction in your life. NOT happiness…for that is a selfish goal and selfish goals never make us feel really good in the long run.

Think about other people every day and yes sometimes put yourself second! But only after you have filled your own cup.  Be selfish and diligent in filling yourself up before you try to give something you don’t have away.  You can’t borrow from an empty bank. Fill your own cup.

STOP MESSING AROUND WITH THE ENVIRONMENT!

Have a no eco-footprint day every day!  you can make a difference, but you have to do it every day. You don’t get any more ‘days off” of being ecologically responsible. We have used all the vacation time we are going to get on this subject, and frankly when they say time is running out, they aren’t kidding.  Every day get up and make a concerted and conscious demand of yourself to be only respectful to the environment that gives you your life.  Just like your family and friends, show it a little more gratitude. We do NOT, as human beings, have DOMAIN over this planet.  We are simply residents, guests. Right now we are acting like REALLY BAD ROOMATES.  Do better. Try harder. Stop making excuses and for God’s sakes…don’t whine about it. Just do better.

Demand more of your life.  Don’t take second best when it comes to what you decide for yourself. Decide for yourself because YOU ARE ALL THERE IS.

If you dont like your job…quit, don’t whine.

If you dont like your relationship, try being alone a while.

YOU are IT.

You are the sole creator of your journey and what you get from it is entirely up to you.

Isn’t it time we make a different decision?  Just for one day. YOU CAN DO IT.

February 17, 2012 is FRESH START DAY. And guess what…so is February 18, and 19 and 20 and so on…each day a new chance. IMAGINE THAT!!

Try and keep your thoughts clean for you and for others. Don’t lie. You’ll get caught and it will damage your credibility. Or maybe you won’t get caught, but you’ll eventually stop believing yourself.

Are you really pissed at someone?  Try this funky idea…

Pray for them. Yup…even if you’re not Catholic or Jewish or whatever –  even if you say you believe in nothing…doesn’t matter.  Trying picturing yourself breathing in THEIR PAIN, washing it in your own heart and sending them back loving light. Sound crazy? Do it for two weeks…you’ll see a miracle happen.

NB: repeat this exercise as often as you desire on everyone you meet who annoys you or causes you disturbance.   Avoid resentment at all cost.

Maybe this sounds insane, but  it is a much sounder approach to conflict resolution and social disharmony over what we are currently doing to fix things – which by the way is nothing.  This world has gone mental and no one is gonna make it sane until we INDIVIDUALS make changes in oru lives that reflect a new direction of thinking.

Don’t wait for government or big corporations like we have done in the past. They are NOT THERE TO HELP US. We are IT. YOU are IT.

Rely on the thing that never changes. Rely on the Source of all energy. God, Buddha, Mohammed, Yahweh, Your guides…your inside voice that is calm all the time and observes everything, even your dreams.  Rely on THAT because THAT is who you really are.

Einstein said something like “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Stop being insane…make a different choice about yourself and about the whole world TODAY.

~ Peace ~

Just Being…

Everyone’s been in abit of a strange place lately, don’t you think? Creatively I am a mess.   I have been far from my writing and I know go through periods like this and it comes back but I always worry that it will go away forever, like a good friend or something.  It’s a little pathetic to realize that I have abandonment issues even with intangible things.   Just when you think you know something…the universe steps in to remind you that you’re not done learning.  It’s been such a long road to get from where I was 17 months ago to where I am today, I don’t even know if I will ever be able to unravel all of the things that have been transformed in me.  I wish I could tell you that you can learn everything you need to know through reading a textbook or some fabulous self help guru, but it’s not true.  The only thing I have learned, the most important thing – is that the changes I needed were completely inside of me the whole time.  Not inside of you or anyone else; I could not find happiness through another person.

I have had a roller coaster ride of activity in the past few weeks. Musically my life is beginning some weird explosion.  With a friend coming to live with us; a fellow musician and spiritual brother, we have been working on healing our past few years of experiences together through music.  I have found myself creatively centered here and very focused with the help of his encouragement especially regarding my original music. which has been gratifying.  We played our first show in 7 years together last night and it felt really terrific.  It was nice to play without the whole band, I felt myself stretching further having to play and sing  simultaneously, as well I found a few times I could even loose myself in the groove and the music expanded outwards.  It felt really fantastic.

I have also been invited to join a native american drumming circle, which I am really enjoying and learning so much from.  They call me a Shaman in the group, at least the head Shaman and second one call me that.  They said it’s just what I am. Strange, but I’m going with it. When I was asked to lead the circle last week at first I was surprised, but instead of questioning things all the time I just assumed that this was guidance and followed.  It has been my “challenge of the week” project from the Interior Castle Study group I lead on Sunday’s – listening to intuition.  It seems that when we bring a subject to the forefront like that into consciousness, it becomes much more active, because this week was FILLED with guidance. Crazy busy and strong guidance.

I try to write with guidance as well but find my mind gets in the way especially when I have allot running around my life.  Sometimes I feel like throwing it all out the window and just sitting quietly for the rest of my life. But then, I don’t think I would appreciate the quiet as much were it not for my life being exactly as it is.  Today is a quiet day and I am going to enjoy just BEING.

Back to Nature~ Back to Creative

Most of the people I meet in my life who express unhappiness with their lives seem to suffer from one form or another of “expectation disorder”; they expect the world the be different from how it actually is.  Resistance to the reality of  current circumstances in this time and place is the cause of every illness they suffer.  Once they begin to realize that unhappiness is an integral and eventually unnecessary part part of the human experience,  to have these encounters with inner imbalance; they see that disharmony is only a vehicle to achieving conscious harmony. Since our entire “real job” on earth is to discover our most basic Inner Nature at an integral level then it is safe to conclude that UNhappiness is merely a directional indicator towards happiness.  Unhappiness is the emotion of your soul’s longing; the deepest desire of your creative self.  It is the answer to the question:

“If I had all the time and resources in the world, what would I do with myself?”

People are becoming more and more aware of themselves. Religions are falling away, not because we are winning some great war against radical oppression, but because people are waking up to their own inner sense of what is right and what is wrong, and that inner sense is beginning to have a stronger voice than the fear based teachings of the major religions. Where religion has taught separation, individual awakening is teaching connectivity.  It has become apparent and obvious that there is a sense of balance and reliability even in the ever-changing universe we live in; undoubtedly there is a balance that is achieved beyond the scope of our reasoning.

And that is the crux of it; the age of reason is falling and the age of intuition is emerging at lightening speed!

Our cultures are confused. WE are confused.  We were taught many things that no longer jive with the truth of what we know to be the reality of our world today.  Many of us were raised by parents who came from warring eras; times long past for countries’ like Canada who have given rise to an entire generation of children who have not had to experience the rigours of war on our home territory.  Hearing about war on the news or internet is a far cry from actually have to experience the basic threat of war to human nature.  In our confusion some of us still think we need to focus on the things our parents taught us were important to focus on.  People that do jobs that they hate do so only because they have another need which they feel is more important to fulfill than personal happiness.  Sometimes these are very important needs such as food, clothing or shelter.  Other times, these needs evolve into greed, and cultures such as the North Americans seemed enraptured by the need for MORE, needs which stretch immensely past the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter.   The further away a culture gets from nature, the further it gets from the arts. The further a culture gets from nature it also follows then that the further a culture gets from its reliance upon nature to survive, the more misunderstanding it becomes of the role that nature is provided to us to play.  We rel;y on governmentm, corporations and the big think tanks to give us our basic needs, then we berate them when we feels unduly controlled by them, when in FACT we are giving them the tools with which to control us. We are giving them our basic needs. We want more “false items” to fill our needs because we no longer know how to fill tem ourselves and so we seek errantly. This is when cultures become disrespectful of nature, using her resources with wild abandon, for the sole purpose of creating greater comfort and ease of living for itself.  Soon, cultures were so wrapped up in this pursuit of “false happiness” or finite and illusory comfort, that they forgot to pay attention to where their resources for all this comfort were coming from, and they began to run out.

The way we make decisions as a culture is very much like a human making a choice for himself.  We do the things we think we need to do because we want to fulfill BASE needs but we forget ourselves in the process and become resentful and hateful towards ourselves and one another.

I know quite a few “starving artists”, as you may call them.  They may often discuss not having some of the basics we some of us take for granted but amongst these people it is very rare to find someone who complains of feeling “unfulfilled” or “unhappy” while they are working.   There seems to be however a sense in our culture that if you ar doing what you love, if it is pure creativity like art or music or writing for example, if it holds no other purpose other than the expression of yet another viewpoint of how to look at this life, then it hold no value.  Those aciotives which lie beyond ‘reason”.  things that lie beyond reaons threaten the false perception of the immutablity of the reaonsing mind. We will feel many uncomfortable growing pains as people become more and more accustomed to the emerging creative consciousness. Still, Society does not compensate its artists. Rather it firsts condemns them as errant members of society, unproductive and illogical.  ironically. This sense of isolation and “differentness” often lends its own contribution to the creation of something new.  It’s the “outside the box” thinkers that revolutionize our world, certainly not those of us who can only repeat the thoughts and ideas that were passed along to us by others.  Those things have already been thought up.  The fact is, that it is only through positive forward creativity have we compelled ourselves to continue to understand more.  Society should recognize the need to more highly compensate the artists to facilitate their individual ability to imagine our evolution forward. Instead, we have it all backwards.  We continue to pump all of our conscious energy and misguided goals into things that not only do not work for us, but their mere existence are causing us to commit slow suicide.  Not only do we create these things (nuclear weapons, cigarettes), but we allow ourselves to believe they can do something other than kill us.  And yet, here is where we are placing our energy; into creating drugs and weapons and every manner of thing which can divert our attention away from our own personal creativity.

Let’s face it…we rely on each other way too much.  We rely on the government to think for us, we rely on corporations to feed us, give us money, provide food, house us, educate our children.  There is nothing we decide for ourselves anymore. We have become a culture of sightless drones.  We don'[t know how to cut our own hair, let alone find food if we were placed in a position of having to eat without having access to prepackaged meals.  We would be lost, if even one or two of our most basic amenities would disappear; such as electricity and fresh running water.  But nearly 60% of the world’s people do not have access to this two things.  We have become clearly incapable of fulfilling our own basic needs.  Is this a manner of de-volution?  How many of us would truly be capable of killing an animal for food?  Personally if placed in the position, I would become a vegan right quick.  It would seem like the right moral decision since I cannot envision myself slicing anything’s throat in order to provide me with nutrition; but then again, I have never been that hungry.

But this mutual co-reliance also has some very important beneficial effects.  relying upon each other for all of our resources as we have certainly begun to do over the past 300 years causes us to be more motivated to seek solutions for the global predicaments we now find ourselves in.  It also allows us more time for study and understanding.  Just like in Marlow’s hierarchy of needs, humanity is also beginning to rise above needing to meet basic needs (in some lucky parts of the world) and is reaching a greater understanding on a different level.

Closet Artist Sketch Number 2: Akashic Library

She sits by a fire as I gaze in the window.  This sketch is from a dream I had.  I believe it to be something like my Akashic Library if you have ever heard of such a thing.  The story goes that the Akashic Library hold all of the scrolls which contain your life experiences.  Each person has their own books(s) in the library and the soul is the access point for the knowledge contained within  the scrolls.  Apparently through diligent enough spiritual practice you can attain a state of meditation which allows you to both interact with your soul in the Library, and to gain knowledge from the contents of the scroll. So, this is my Akashic library, where one day I hope not to be an observer standing outside the window in the cold, but find the key to enter in and spend some time with my self. Looking back at this sketch I find the library looks very small. Maybe it just needs some time and more experiences to grow. 

“PROJECT DELEGATION FOR PEACE”…

I think that turning 45 has had the greatest impact on me than any other age has.  Not in a bad way…in some very good ways in fact.  For example, lately I have begun delegating.  I used to joke that it took 4 people to replace me when I would go on vacation with John. But I think part of me also got off on the “irreplaceable me” image I had of myself.  That somehow I was so important because I made decisions which cause me to fill my plate soooo high, that no real life human being could ever keep up with what I could do. Irreplaceable me.

But something about 40 started me on this path of desire to get very real with myself. Not that I started thinking about mortality and all of that, you’ll never convince me that death is real, I know way too much for that illusion now.  But what I began thinking was how full of shit I had been most of my adult life.  Suddenly it started dawning on me that I could choose to be a very honest person without losing any part of myself.  Maybe there is something about 40’s which makes us more fearless, and more able to enact change in our lives based on some of the lessons we have already learned.

In our 40’s we are young enough mostly to have the energy to create great changes in our lives.  “Living Happily Ever After” is still possible if we are not satisfied with how we feel in the current situations in our lives.  Later on though I found myself realizing more and more how much value I placed on the opinion of other people about me.  Now that I think about it, that’s incredibly narcissistic, even thinking that people have enough spare time in their lives to even have an opinion about me is extreme.  But to make decisions based on this illusion of opinion is practically insane.

So, lately the balance between family, farm, 3 bands, relationships, sickness in family, new boarders in, old friends back in play, new career opportunities, songwriting, recording, rehearsing, physical challenges on farm, behavior issues with animals and kids, ok…I could go on, but let’s say, it’s been a helluva start to 2012.   I needed help but was somehow incapable of asking for it, I understand now because deeply buried inside me was a belief that if I delegated some of my responsibilities to the people in my life for whom I was starting to get resentments because they would stand still while I ran around “doing everything”, that they would think I was less valuable…not enough, unless I was doing all those things.

That’s a pretty brutal way to make decisions about the things that should be important to me or not.

Delegating as one would have it actually leaves me some time and space to include myself on my list of things to take care of in a day.  And hell, every once in a while I take a day where I am the only thing written on that list.  I really think that partly that my bio mom’s cancer (and one day I may kick myself for saying this), has been a blessing.  For a brief period of time there was this real shift in the relationships of everyone in my family. Everyone started paying abit more attention to one another, there was a sense of community.  Many of us chose to get real very fast. We dropped all pretenses and pretending of whatever it was we were holding on to, were motivated to quickly forgive the small transgressions which we allow to become overblown as years went by, like festering wounds.  Then we even tried in all our own ways to support each other and find some balance in what we could do and what we couldn’t do.  It was a strengthening exercise in spiritual stamina, and I find I have come out the other side of it more solid in my center.

I suppose this kind of centering creates in us an awareness of our own individual essential needs.  I knew that the most important thing was for me to be strong for my family, and I also knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I didn’t do a quick right turn on my thinking and perceptions I was going to be good for no one.  I knew certainly that the best and only place I could in fact find any fast track to change was within myself and that this meant getting to understand myself without judgment.  Let me tell you that took a while, but most often now I am in the place where I can be much more objective about the choices I am making; meaning not always dragging the past into everything I do, but that took some time and tremendous challenges were overcome.

This brings me back to delegating.  So all of a sudden this more “objective” awareness allows me to become starkly aware of my “superwoman” image which a part of me must think is so “valuable” (and therefore means I am ENOUGH) or why else would I continuously ignore the wise counsel of friends and family who know me, love me and care enough to tell me I am insane and am going to kill myself with all the ways I push myself beyond my limits.  “Limits?” I scoff at them secretly in the unheard places of my mind. I’m really getting a strong sense that they are not really as impressed with my martyrdom as I am.

I have now become a one-job woman. I have delegated entire days off so I can take the time to do the things I do. We are not after all put on earth simply to wake, work and sleep. There is a whole life to be lived outside of that.  Now I can spend time working on the book, my songs, or even (gasp) ride some of those horses I deplete all of my energy caring for.  I was told a long time ago by an old horse farmer that the very WORST thing I could ever do for my riding was to get my own horse farm.  I know what he means. But I still plan on finding a way for that not to be my reality.

I find that my “resentments” are melting away because I don’t feel harassed and pushed and pulled by the constant responsibility and workload that stared at me day after day.  I got to say…it’s an enormous relief.  Although I love my work and all the things I do, no one can be happy spreading themselves that thin and running on everyone else’s schedules.

My friends and family don’t tell me I am nuts as much today…they’re too busy doing my other three jobs, perhaps slightly regretting the truth they pointed out to me.

And today I am trying out day 1 of “project delegation”, under a sunny sky and the promise of more days just like this one.

Peace