Before New Year’s Eve 2012

I have a deeply rooted superstition about New Year’s Eve and what one should be doing at midnight.  My superstition says that what you are doing at midnight will reflect and show you how your year will unfold. It also says the first person you kiss at midnight will be someone you will have in your life often over the next year.  That’s a pretty dumb prediction, like a bad horoscope since most people spend new years with close friends and relatives and are therefore more likely to spend more times with them anyways. But, for some reason this year feels more important. I feel like I have gone through something extraordinary especially over the past seven difficult years, and maybe I am hoping out of this strange ride and will find a way to get my feet back on the ground.

I am pretty sure I am not the same person in any way that was sitting here last year. Well last year I wouldn;t have been sitting here.  I would probably have been off crying in a corner or something.  I am sure I have cried every single goddamned day over the past 15 months or more even.  I am sick of being sad and so, my new year’s resolution is to do two things this year:

1- I resolve to allow my life to happen without judging it or interfering in it.  I will follow my heart in all of the choices I make this year as best as I can. I will accept myself and stop self judging.

2- I will trust in my Higher power and connection to all living things.  I see where you have brought me and I only want to do and want what you want.   I appreciate you taking out the “big guns” with all of the obvious signs and stuff, but you’re freaking out my husband 🙂 so please tone it down a little.  I got the picture, thanks.

I really have had a miraculous year.  I don’t know how I got here but I know it felt like the longest year of my life.  It’s not going to get easier in 2012 I think, but I know this will only cause me to learn and understand more, and if that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, well then bring it on. I feel much stronger inside this year.

I will welcome 2012 with open arms, a houseful of family and friends and a ton of music tomorrow night.  I am suddenly looking forward to it. Oh, resolution number 3 – Have MORE FUN.  I have become a total drag.  I am no longer fun and I feel old inside of myself. I’d rather sit home and stare at the wall than do anything half the time and as far as I am concerned that’s a pretty shitty attitude for the amount of time that we are here for. Why am I wasting it on always thinking about what dissatisfies me?  I know gratitude is the only way out of this, so why do i always forget?

back to basics this new years.




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