It feel like the world weighs more when I am like this. Everything that crosses my path seems daunting and impossible. What makes it worse is that I KNOW intellectually things that can help me to see past this limited perception of my life when I am in a state of depression. I also know I cause my own illness, and it makes me feel like a failure. Which makes it worse.
I keep writing and then trying to turn it into something “useable and purposeful” as if writing my own thoughts down for the purpose of sorting things out so i don’t feel like shit anymore isn’t enough. I just erased like 6 paragraphs of absolute bullshit which is what i spew when I am afraid. I am afraid that I am failing spiritually. I know my problem is my thinking, but my emotions seem to govern me and I feel out of control and nuts sometimes. Even when i am feeling great, I still have a small part of me (sometimes a big part) that is just waiting to wake up feeling like shit. It’s not true that i don’t know why. I DO know why. It’s just that i can;t seem to do anything about it.
I’m scared. I don’t want Paulette to be sick, and I can;t stop thinking about her. I can’t seem to shake enough of my life and can really only spend one day and night a week with her, but that’s better than nothing. Except guilt is such a pain in the ass. and it drags me down into the dark places that ia always try to run from.
I know I have to get out of my head. Music maybe
I know I have to be gentle with myself. It’s a tough day today and I am feeling like secluding myself. Maybe that’s the pot…another problem? Sheesh.
I don’t know a fucking things anymore.
There’s my big conclusion for the day. I don’t know how John puts up with me.