I don’t know which Elizabeth Kubler Ross stage of weird ass grieving I’m in, but I will try here to coin a new psychological term which will influence multitudes of generations to come. I am in the “fucking crazy” stage of relating to all of the changes and things I have to grieve in my life. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel like I am gong to burst out of my skin. I have been rendered powerless in so many areas of my life, and I DO REALIZE that this has entirely to do with my ability or non-ablity to accept life on life’s terms, but lately life, I gotta tell you, your terms frankly SUCK.
I am intensely sad or I am intensely avoiding everything. I am never in any grey area, or maybe when I am it’s those times that I create chaos in all of my relationships because I can;t STAND THE QUIET. My ego has become so persistent that i feel like a spiritual FAILURE. I read books, I study, I pray sort of and meditate kinda…but I really do try. In all of my thoughts all of the time I try and keep “the prime directive” as I see it in line with all of my choices and the thoughts I allow to be created. See, i do think of it like that, but then I am rendered powerless, over my thoughts and fears and ideas, over and over again as if some horrible dark force wants to drive home the impending knowledge of my “littleness”, my insignificance.
I suppose this is a side effect of depression, but it is a part of who I am and I fucking hate it. I get tired of the same thoughts and the same obsessions in my head, dark thoughts of my mother’s pain and my inability to be there for her as much as I should be. My life didn’t slow down because she got cancer, and although we both know that is the truth and we are both all for living life on life’s terms, it still sucks.
Then on the other side I feel like I am whining, I have no excuses to think like this. I have been shown something BIGGER then these small thoughts of finality, death and pain. I have been shown the journey and the purpose. Then how come I forget it so often?
I realize we have to do the human aspect of the journey,a nd the journey is all about the emotions that go along with the experiences that we have. But sometimes I find the experiences are so so very hard, it’s like being caught in a fire and knowing there is a way out, but becoming overwrought and unable to find your bearings. Bah…I’m pretty dark right now.
I think a whole lot of boundary setting and quiet time is in order before I destroy some of my relationships permanently. I see people and their roles in my life so differently now, I am left with few but very quality friends. I have really done a clean up of people who reflected how fucked up i was. I got rid of negative people, people who judge others harshly. I goodbye to whiners and people who enjoyed sitting in their own refuse. I found when i started to get honest I didnt;t have time for liars and manipulators. Funny how all that worked out. But frankly, it has left me with few people with whom I can really enjoy an open life sharing relationship. That’s really what relationships are for I think, to have someone to share it all with. But when you feel alone in your sharing, well then that’s when you get a real taste of loneliness. Like feeling completely alone in a crowd of people, but all the time.
This is my whininess coming out, and I really see it. I don’t let myself feel bad, I just beat myself up for feelings that come up naturally and I seem to have no control over their appearance. maybe I have some control over their disappearance though just by recognizing them.
I cheered myself today with setting up my band’s PA system in my bedroom and listening to Led Zeppelin as loud as I possibly could without my ears bleeding. By the time I got passed When The Levee Breaks and Kashmir, my pent-up emotions had poured out a bit and I began to have some space within myself to breathe again. When I am out of whack and carried by my thoughts, I feel like I am suffocating inside.
Once again I say, thank god for medical marijuana. Maybe one day I’ll have to get clean of this habit, but for today, everyone around me should be grateful I smoke. I know I am.