Before New Year’s Eve 2012

I have a deeply rooted superstition about New Year’s Eve and what one should be doing at midnight.  My superstition says that what you are doing at midnight will reflect and show you how your year will unfold. It also says the first person you kiss at midnight will be someone you will have in your life often over the next year.  That’s a pretty dumb prediction, like a bad horoscope since most people spend new years with close friends and relatives and are therefore more likely to spend more times with them anyways. But, for some reason this year feels more important. I feel like I have gone through something extraordinary especially over the past seven difficult years, and maybe I am hoping out of this strange ride and will find a way to get my feet back on the ground.

I am pretty sure I am not the same person in any way that was sitting here last year. Well last year I wouldn;t have been sitting here.  I would probably have been off crying in a corner or something.  I am sure I have cried every single goddamned day over the past 15 months or more even.  I am sick of being sad and so, my new year’s resolution is to do two things this year:

1- I resolve to allow my life to happen without judging it or interfering in it.  I will follow my heart in all of the choices I make this year as best as I can. I will accept myself and stop self judging.

2- I will trust in my Higher power and connection to all living things.  I see where you have brought me and I only want to do and want what you want.   I appreciate you taking out the “big guns” with all of the obvious signs and stuff, but you’re freaking out my husband 🙂 so please tone it down a little.  I got the picture, thanks.

I really have had a miraculous year.  I don’t know how I got here but I know it felt like the longest year of my life.  It’s not going to get easier in 2012 I think, but I know this will only cause me to learn and understand more, and if that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, well then bring it on. I feel much stronger inside this year.

I will welcome 2012 with open arms, a houseful of family and friends and a ton of music tomorrow night.  I am suddenly looking forward to it. Oh, resolution number 3 – Have MORE FUN.  I have become a total drag.  I am no longer fun and I feel old inside of myself. I’d rather sit home and stare at the wall than do anything half the time and as far as I am concerned that’s a pretty shitty attitude for the amount of time that we are here for. Why am I wasting it on always thinking about what dissatisfies me?  I know gratitude is the only way out of this, so why do i always forget?

back to basics this new years.

 

 

Post Christmas Thoughts

Christmas has come and gone in a flurry of emotions, activities, present ripping and food consuming madness.  I am tired from being with family, being on my best behaviour, keeping it all together and making sure everyone feels at ease while I dash around madly trying to look like I am managing the chaos with not only panache, but unerring joy.  I love this time of the year, but I am exhausted.  I am so tired that my body aches.  My throat feels like razors are tearing it open when I swallow and my head aches. The only good part is that I feel stoned without any drugs.  It’s fabulous.  I am also trying to decipher everything that happened this Christmas.  With my mother’s lung cancer it was full of STRANGE; it was magical and confusing all at once.

I’ll start at the beginning:

Just two days before Christmas I remember being SO HAPPY.  For whatever reason my Scrooginess had suddenly vanished and was i seemed to have been replaced by a tri-hybrid cross of Martha Stewart, Mrs. Claus and Janis Joplin.  I was astonishingly organized and focused, I was obsessed with Christmas music and let it ring out resoundingly throughout the house and I was high on everything life had to offer me.  I had an amazing time with my daughter. We did most of the wrapping together, painted frames and made homemade gifts.  We ate junk food, I smoked a joint and she laughed at me while we painted.  It was a great day. That evening, my best friend came over and she and I and john played Jenga with my daughter. What an amazing evening as well.  we probably ate and drank more than one should PRIOR to the celebration of Christmas, but we didn’t care.  It was definitely about the moments we were living and I could see we were all so happy with being happy for once.  Times had been tough for us all over the past few months (years) and we were relieved.   It was conscious happiness. 

That evening I went to bed, happy as a lark, and awoke the next morning to a cacophony of musings in my head.  Crazy unhappiness.  It almost felt as though my mind had somehow shut off the happy and turned on the blazing cold.  Like I “needed” to feel unhappy. It was just a very dark place, and I couldn’t understand it.  I remembered briefly the joy of the night before but where this darkness had come from there was no way to tell.  I was unable to be objective in that moment, and without objectivity I become morose.  My mood swings annoy me.

I went through Christmas eve day as dark as could be. angry, annoyed and easily set off.  Emotional basket case.  We went first to Cowboys house for a pre-evening warm-up. We met some people, mostly french who were I thought completely outside of the people we usually hung out with.  The culture and feel of the group was simply different from in our regular crowd, and I was surprised at how i felt I belonged there, because of Cowboys generosity of spirit. He is a real old western man, who can tame a wild horse or a wild human with his convincing crooked smile and his simple way of speaking. He has always been a good example for me of someone who has managed his life with his own desires and not with a desire to please others.  An interesting and fine gentleman.

After playing some music with these people I felt my spirits rising and soon we went on our way to our drummer and friends’; home for an evening of raucous music and interesting parlees.   Parties are funny the way people interact.  Sometimes they are completely different from how they feel about each other in the “real world”.  Topics of conversation can sometimes follow strict guidelines.  Of course the obvious “no politics no religion” rule applies in most social scenarios, but it seems to be the hardest rule in the world for me to follow.

I have a system at parties, especially in ones where I don’t know a lot of people (which I find exciting and sadly rare these days). My system is that I don’t mess around and right away I hit you with a question or an observation about what you are about.  Depending on how you handle this will decide how much time I want to spend with you.  I don’t mean to sound like a snob, but it makes sense that when faced with a rare opportunity like meeting a new bunch of people, one should take advantage of scoping out for someone who may be looking for deeper types of experiences with people.  I don’t mean in any way romantically, I do this for men or women, and as far as I know I am not gay.  I mean connecting with people on a level that is deeper more informative and more real.  I don’t like conversation about the weather, although at times if I find I have no dynamic with you, I too will resort to talking about it.  If it is the last thing we talk about before I make some excuse to “need to be somewhere else”, like who needs to be anywhere when they’re at a party?  Well you can be pretty sure I won’t be looking to talk to you again. I hate feeling uncomfortable and frankly,. I am tiered of being the one to make the conversations in my world happen all the time.  I’d like once in a while for someone to step forward and say something interesting, or meaningful or serious.  Everyone is so afraid of their own shadow it seems all they are trying to do is avoid learing about each other and themselves all the time.  I find this insane.

So, even this christmas at my party I found myself doing the same thing to my family.  Imagine what a wonderful surprise it was to find that I would have sat and talked to each one of them, with rapt attention for hours on end if I could have.  I mean realistically I was feeding 34 people and cooking two turkeys so i had a bunch of things to do.   But their arrival was truly nothing short of a Christmas Miracle.

That morning in a fit of sad I talked to my father’s picture and told him to “deal with this cause I’m done”.  Not half an hour later my cousin called to say her brother had fallen ill and could they (my father’s side of the family) come for christmas,  After all, my mother would be there and they wanted to see her as well.  It was amazing.

We all sat together in the living room while everyone hugged making up for years and years of lost time. What had it been, 15-twenty years?  Amazing. I felt my dad come through for me all right that night.  He has never really failed me, but again I am full of gratitude.

I gave my cousins daughter one of our horses to ride She reminds me so much of me, well my enthusiasm for horses…and writing. apparently she wants to write books and ride horses. Imagine that.  And she comes equipped with a best friend replete with enthusiasm and determination to have a horse with my cousin so they can do everything together. Today I dubbed them my official :barn rats”, and they could earn their horses by cleaning up the stalls and doing tack.  I have never seen two happier kids in my life.

I have a good family, and good friends. My favorite present this christmas was a little handmade book by my friends with all of their favourite sayings of wisdom, each piece of paper carefully chosen, and each wise saying written with care and consideration.  I told them I loved it because it made me feel “known”, like someone who really understands me would give me a gift like that.  I really loved it.

 

Tonight the winds blow fiercely.  The horses are tucked into their stalls and I can hear the world around me whipping by with the increasing storm.  But, I feel safe and good and happy right here right now, and that’s really all a person can hope for.

 

 

Day two of horrible depression

It feel like the world weighs more when I am like this.  Everything that crosses my path seems daunting and impossible.  What makes it worse is that I KNOW intellectually things that can help me to see past this limited perception of my life when I am in a state of depression.  I also know I cause my own illness, and it makes me feel like a failure. Which makes it worse.

I keep writing and then trying to turn it into something “useable and purposeful” as if writing my own thoughts down for the purpose of sorting things out so i don’t feel like shit anymore isn’t enough.  I just erased like 6 paragraphs of absolute bullshit which is what i spew when I am afraid.  I am afraid that I am failing spiritually.  I know my problem is my thinking, but my emotions seem to govern me and I feel out of control and nuts sometimes. Even when i am feeling great, I still have a small part of me (sometimes a big part) that is just waiting to wake up feeling like shit.  It’s not true that i don’t know why. I DO know why. It’s just that i can;t seem to do anything about it.

I’m scared.  I don’t want Paulette to be sick, and I can;t stop thinking about her.  I can’t seem to shake enough of my life and can really only spend one day and night a week with her, but that’s better than nothing.  Except guilt is such a pain in the ass. and it drags me down into the dark places that ia always try to run from.

 

I know I have to get out of my head.  Music maybe

I know I have to be gentle with myself.  It’s a tough day today and I am feeling like secluding myself. Maybe that’s the pot…another problem? Sheesh.

I don’t know a fucking things anymore.

There’s my big conclusion for the day. I don’t know how John puts up with me.

 

 

ZEPPELIN THERAPY

I don’t know which Elizabeth Kubler Ross stage of weird ass grieving I’m in, but I will try here to coin a new psychological term which will influence multitudes of generations to come. I am in the “fucking crazy” stage of relating to all of the changes and things I have to grieve in my life.  It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel like I am gong to burst out of my skin. I have been rendered powerless in so many areas of my life, and I DO REALIZE that this has entirely to do with my ability or non-ablity to accept life on life’s terms, but lately life, I gotta tell you, your terms frankly SUCK.

I am intensely sad or I am intensely avoiding everything. I am never in any grey area, or maybe when I am it’s those times that I create chaos in all of my relationships because I can;t STAND THE QUIET.  My ego has become so persistent that i feel like a spiritual FAILURE.  I read books, I study, I pray sort of and meditate kinda…but I really do try.  In all of my thoughts all of the time I try and keep “the prime directive” as I see it in line with all of my choices and the thoughts I allow to be created. See, i do think of it like that, but then I am rendered powerless, over my thoughts and fears and ideas, over and over again as if some horrible dark force wants to drive home the impending knowledge of my “littleness”, my insignificance.

I suppose this is a side effect of depression, but it is a part of who I am and I fucking hate it.  I get tired of the same thoughts and the same obsessions in my head, dark thoughts of my mother’s pain and my inability to be there for her as much as I should be.  My life didn’t slow down because she got cancer, and although we both know that is the truth and we are both all for living life on life’s terms, it still sucks.

Then on the other side I feel like I am whining, I have no excuses to think like this. I have been shown something BIGGER then these small thoughts of finality, death and pain. I have been shown the journey and the purpose.  Then how come I forget it so often?

I realize we have to do the human aspect of the journey,a nd the journey is all about the emotions that go along with the experiences that we have.  But sometimes I find the experiences are so so very hard, it’s like being caught in a fire and knowing there is a way out, but becoming overwrought and unable to find your bearings.   Bah…I’m pretty dark right now.

I think a whole lot of boundary setting and quiet time is in order before I destroy some of my relationships permanently.  I see people and their roles in my life so differently now, I am left with few but very quality friends.  I have really done a clean up of people who reflected how fucked up i was.  I got rid of negative people, people who judge others harshly. I goodbye to whiners and people who enjoyed sitting in their own refuse.  I found when i started to get honest I didnt;t have time for liars and manipulators.  Funny how all that worked out. But frankly, it has left me with few people with whom I can really enjoy an open life sharing relationship.  That’s really what relationships are for I think, to have someone to share it all with.  But when you feel alone in your sharing, well then that’s when you get a real taste of loneliness.  Like feeling completely alone in a crowd of people, but all the time.

This is my whininess coming out, and I really see it.  I don’t let myself feel bad, I just beat myself up for feelings that come up naturally and I seem to have no control over their appearance. maybe I have some control over their disappearance though just by recognizing them.

 

I cheered myself today with setting up my band’s PA system in my bedroom and listening to Led Zeppelin as loud as I possibly could without my ears bleeding.  By the time I got passed When The Levee Breaks and Kashmir, my pent-up emotions had poured out a bit and I began to have some space within myself to breathe again.  When I am out of whack and carried by my thoughts, I feel like I am suffocating inside.

Once again I say, thank god for medical marijuana.  Maybe one day I’ll have to get clean of this habit, but for today, everyone around me should be grateful I smoke. I know I am.